Are You Guilty?

Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling that most people will try hard to avoid.  However, a wise colleague of mine once explained that guilt may not always be a bad thing:

"When the choice is between guilt or resentment, guilt is the healthier option."
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Guilt is a sign that you are meeting your needs, as opposed to someone else's, and you feel some guilt about doing so.
Resentment is the opposite of guilt - it indicates that you are taking care of other peoples' needs at the expense of your own. This breeds resentment.

It is much better to choose guilt than resentment for two important reasons:
1) to acknowledge and meet your needs whenever it is possible and healthy to do so
2) to salvage your relationships - once you start resenting someone, the relationship is at high risk for ending.

Right now, in the midst of the holiday season where there is a lot of pressure and expectations put upon us, see if this applies to you and if you can allow yourself to meet your own needs rather than dismiss them.  Guilt is uncomfortable, but resentment is often much worse.

Whose Fault Is It?

Figuring out whose fault something is makes us feel better....or so we think.

Blame doesn't make things better, it corrodes our relationships and prevents us from fixing what's wrong.  So why do we keep doing it?

There are two reasons people like to place blame, Dr. Brene Brown, research professor, explains in her video.  

The first reason is that blaming someone releases our anger and give us back a sense of control. Pointing the finger at someone can quickly make us think we feel better. However, this is a false sense of improvement.

The second reason people blame is to avoid accountability. Accountability requires several things from us: we have to share our feelings, engage in a conversation about those feelings, and we have to look at our own contribution to the situation. As Brown explains, "people who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to hold people accountable". It's much easier to point a finger at someone else and release some anger, but this comes with a price.

When we blame rather than discuss our feelings we shut down the opportunity to be understood and to understand others. We deepen our sense of feeling mistreated and misunderstood and we actually perpetuate the issue at hand and increase the conflict and stress in our lives.

The next time you find yourself pointing a finger at someone as the cause of your stress, try instead to tell them what's making you feel angry or hurt. This may feel uncomfortable and vulnerable; however, ironically, it is when we become most vulnerable that we have the potential to become stronger and improve our relationships and lives.

The Scary Road To Happiness?

A week ago, Robin Williams' daughter Zelda Williams acknowledged the anniversary of her father's death on her instagram page by writing about her own grief and journey towards healing. Something she wrote stuck with me, it's a mistake I see people struggling with every day: she said "avoiding fear, sadness or anger is not the same thing as being happy".

Many people think that if they feel uncomfortable, something must be wrong and they should run from whatever is causing these feelings. This is a serious error.  Yes, we all want to feel happy, but thinking you will attain that by running from discomfort will actually create the opposite. In the simplest of cases, we will delay our healing process; in the worst cases we can find ourselves addicted to distractions and false sources of feeling good (drugs, food, relationships, drama, work, gambling, etc).

It is through spending time with our fear, sadness and anger that we learn about ourselves, about what we value and need; we develop compassion for ourselves and others, and we heal.  Then we find true happiness that is based upon inner peace, love and acceptance. It's not easy to face the things that make us uncomfortable, but rarely do we gain anything worthwhile without signigicant effort. Being happy takes courage and hard work.

Feels So Personal

Don't take things personally. Easier said than done.

When we know that someone's behavior has nothing to do with us, it's easier not to take it personally: our significant other comes home upset after a bad day at work and is grouchy; our teenage kid is embarrassed when we try to hold their hand in public; etc. It's much harder to avoid taking things personally when we don't know the reason behind someone's behavior - or even worse, when the behavior seems to be about us.

Here's a secret...most of the time (almost ALWAYS), it's not really about us, even when it seems like it is. The way people treat us often has very little to do with who we are, and much more to do with who they are. If someone is rude or hurtful to you, attacks or criticizes you, abandons or betrays you it is not necessarily because you deserved it but, more likely, it's because that is how that person chooses to see you and the rest of the world around them.

I see people struggling with this every day. They have a very difficult time understanding why someone broke up with them, cheated on them, ended a friendship, abandoned them, etc, and they search endlessly to identify what they did to bring on that type of treatment. The truth is that they probably did very little. The person who hurt them likely behaves that way with many people.  

If you're upset by someone's treatment of you, instead of taking it personally, try to see it as a reflection of how they feel about themselves and the world around them (read more about this here). Most likely you are just one in a long line of people they've been treating that way.

Happiness is Hard

Happiness is hard work. It's not something you'll find by waiting for it to come to you.

Most people think of happiness as getting what they want, but it's not so simple; happiness comes when you work hard for it. Sometimes you may stumble across something that happens to make you happy, but that is just luck.

Think of something in your life that prevents you from being happy. Now think of how you'd like that situation to be instead. Getting to that better place is going to take some work, and probably some courage too.

The first step towards happiness is the belief that you are a good person and deserve be happy. That's the first hurdle for many people - believing they deserve to feel good.

Next, happiness comes from taking a good, honest look at a situation and finding your role in your unhappiness. This is the hardest part for most people - facing their own shortcomings and realizing that they are responsible in some way for the very things they struggle with (see Don't Be a Victim).

Now that you've identified your part in your own unhappiness, working hard at making changes (ending an unhealthy friendship/relationship, saying "no", breaking an addiction, asking for what you need, eating better, etc.) is the only way those changes are going to come.

The final piece is letting go, and this is a tough one for many people too. Holding on to anger, fear or limitations will keep you from attaining happiness. Sometimes letting go is scary or feels like we've lost a battle; learning to find peace with letting go is important.

One of my favorite quotes is from Randy Pausch in The Last Lecture: he says "brick walls aren't there to keep you out; they are there to show you how badly you want something".  Getting over a brick wall takes work and courage, if you want it you'll climb that wall no matter how hard.

Don't Be A Victim

We all want to be happy. The desire for happiness drives most of our choices and behaviors: where we work, who we socialize with, who we date or marry, how we spend our free time. Sometimes we go to extremes - surgeries, lifestyle changes, severing relationships, etc.  However, there is one factor that is often overlooked and may be one of the most important components in feeling happy: having a victim-mindset. If you, or someone you know, lives this way, it may be preventing you from the very happiness you're seeking.

Victim-mindset people are very focused on what other people are saying and doing; they rarely focus on what they are doing to create or perpetuate a situation. They often feel angry, hurt, betrayed by the world and justified in those feelings. They may complain repeatedly about all the ways they've been mistreated, or they may retreat and isolate themselves from the world, feeling justified in doing either. They don't understand how to take responsibility for the circumstances in their lives. 

There are small ways we get victimized (getting on the wrong line at the supermarket or getting stuck behind someone driving slowly) and big ways, such as being assaulted, betrayed or robbed. We can't control all situations, but how we choose to experience and respond to them determines how powerless (victimized) or empowered we feel, which will affect how much peace and happiness we have.

Why give someone else the power to affect your emotions, thoughts and actions? You may not have been able to do anything about what happened to you, but you can decide how you want to move forward. As soon as you stop focusing on others and start taking ownership for whatever situation you're in - even if you feel certain someone else is to blame - you will begin to have more peace and, eventually, more happiness. 

What actions and choices can you make to reclaim your sense of peace and power? How can you take back what was taken from you and refocus on yourself and your own goals? Sometimes it means taking action, sometimes it means simply letting go of the past and choosing to move forward.

Do you recognize yourself or someone else in these descriptions?  If so, appreciate your courage at facing something uncomfortable and taking steps towards become happier.