I Know I'm Right!

How many times have you been in a situation where you know you are right and the other person is wrong? How often do you stay stuck in an argument or feud because of this?

 

 

This happens all the time with our significant others, our children, friends, co-workers, basically anyone in our lives; and it can be maddening when we KNOW we are right but the other person isn't listening - or worse, they just don't care. We often see this in divorces - one person will not let go of a battle no matter what the financial or emotional cost.

 

 

It's always upsetting to be treated unfairly. When we have childhoods or pasts in which we felt dismissed and unimportant, it can be unbearable to be treated unfairly and we can lose sight of our rationality. We can lock ourselves in a battle to the death to prove we are right.

But you need to ask yourself what price your need for justification comes with? Will it lead you to bitterness and anger, alienate you from loved ones and friends, cost you tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, will it cost you your inner peace, sleep and good health?

 

 

Years ago, a mentor of mine said "you can be right, or you can be helpful". Often it comes down to just such a choice, and the people/person you help may be yourself, your children, your significant other, your friends or loved ones. You can let go of the need to be "the right one". Instead, find your validation elsewhere and start the process of building peace in your life.

 

 

The next time you find yourself engaged in a battle to prove you're right, ask yourself if it's worth it. If the price tag includes severing relationships, hostility, collateral damage and high finances, are you willing to pay that price, or can you find a way to let go of being justified and work on re-building the connections that got damaged along the way?

Feeling Desperate?

Desperation. What a horrible feeling. Hopefully not one you have often and yet it may effect you more than you realize.

A recent article I read quoted Sharon Stone talking about women and their desperation to be loved and treated in ways that validate their self-worth. This got me thinking.

I see this type of desperation in people all day long; in not just women, but men as well. Rather than finding their self-worth internally and living from an inner place of self-acceptance and confidence, people chase down positive feelings from the world around them all the time, although they may not realize this is what they’re doing. They seek to feel liked, accepted, lovable, validated, admired, in control, etc. Seeking these external sources of validation and comfort can lead to risky and dangerous behaviors that may sabotage relationships, physical health, self-esteem and career. The more we feel the need for external approval and comfort, the more desperate we become to have it. This becomes a destructive cycle and robs us of our power.

When we feel the desperate need for someone else to like us, approve of us, etc, then we are powerlessly waiting for that to happen. We may try to manipulate things in order to get that approval or validation by pretending to be someone we're not, behaving in attention-seeking ways, being combative to prove a point, risking our health for an unrealistic beauty/weight goal. Sadly, we are still at the mercy of someone else: "I will feel loveable and valuable when so-and-so likes me; or apologizes to me; or pays attention to me"; "I will finally be happy when my significant other/parents/family stop treating me in this way or that; "I will hide my true feelings because others will not like me or will laugh at me if I don't".

Think about the ways in which you may seek validation or positive feelings from others and to what lengths you will go to attain that. Imagine how it would feel to carry a sense of wholeness and completeness within you regardless of what the neighbors, your family or others may say. What external validation would you have to give up in order to feel that type of peace, and is that something you may be ready to do? Perhaps all you need resides inside you— you just need to find it.

 

I'm So Embarassed

A few weeks ago something strange happened.  One of my clients told me he was very impacted by a lecture he watched on TED.  We discussed it and I didn't think much about it after that.  Two days later another client came in talking about a TED talk she watched and how deeply it affected her... it sounded like the same talk.  Curious. The next week, a third client emailed me a link to the very same TED talk.  Clearly it was time to watch it.  What I learned was amazing.

The talk was about shame.  Shame? ick -  who wants to hear about shame?  It turns out, I did; and after reading this, you may also.  See, it turns out that shame is directly and deeply connected to happiness.

The speaker, Brené Brown is a research professor who studies vulnerability, courage and shame.  What she found after ten years of research is that a major difference between people who are happy and successful vs those who aren't is their lack of shame.  Shame is defined as the feeling that "something is wrong with me".  When people feel a sense of shame they are much less likely to take risks.  They experience vulnerability and failure as shameful and they expend large amounts of effort to avoid shame by shutting down and not taking risks or asking for what they need or want.

Alternatively, people who do not feel shameful - or that "something is wrong with me" -  are more willing to take risks, fail, ask for what they want or need.  They may not succeed, they may feel vulnerable, but the difference is that they don't feel shame about it.

Vulnerability is scary, and yet as Brené explains, vulnerability is where greatness comes from.  It requires courage to take a risk: telling someone you love them, saying you're sorry, admitting you made a mistake, asking for a raise, applying for a job, sharing an idea or a wish.  If you feel a sense of shame about yourself you are likely to stop yourself from reaching for something greater.  You may feel you don't deserve it, you aren't entitled to even ask for more and so you may shut yourself down.  The problem is that shutting down hurts - it keeps us from being in true contact with ourselves and others.

Is shame limiting you from greater happiness?  Are you afraid to reach for more because you don't think you deserve it or because the thought of failure is too scary?  If so, try to have compassion for yourself.  See if you can let go of any shame-based self-talk.  Recognize that vulnerability and shame are two different things and you don't have to feel ashamed for being vulnerable.

Here is a link to the TED talk by Brene Brown
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     








                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Running Like A Dog

Words of wisdom can appear anywhere.  Recently, my dog trainer Fred unknowingly shared a wise insight about human behavior while explaining why dogs run away: "They don't run because they are looking for you, they run because they feel anxiety and they are trying to get away from that feeling."

Without knowing it, Fred illustrated a common behavior for people, not just dogs: running from anxiety.  

Running from something is not a good way to make decisions and often brings negative results.  A dog who runs away may get hit by a car or lost; a person who runs from his/her anxiety usually makes poor choices and creates more problems.

The impulse to run comes from the primal fight-or-flight instinct.  Giving yourself a positive release, such as exercise, dance, martial arts, singing, etc. can quell that urge to "do" something and enable you to stay present with your anxiety until you can find a healthy and positive solution.  Constructive distraction techniques can also be effective at taking your focus off the anxiety and feelings of powerlessness.  While it may be more uncomfortable initially, staying with your anxiety rather than running from it (making impulsive decisions) is much more likely to yield a  positive outcome and lasting peace.

Ommm....part 2

I've been practicing  yoga for more than half my life.  The standing, balancing poses are a constant struggle for me.  On the very rare occasions that I make it through the class without falling over I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment, but most of the time I fall out of them almost instantly. That portion of the class is very stressful for me as I repeatedly fall over again and again.

A few weeks ago the instructor said something that shifted the entire experience and made so much sense, not just for yoga, but for life...as often happens in yoga class.  She said to the class "You're supposed to fall over in the standing poses.  That's how you know you're growing.  If you don't fall, you're not growing, just staying the same."  Well, that changed everything!  I was amazed at how simple and how right that is.

Since that class I've been applying this concept to life in general: we're supposed to "fall over" in life - in other words, we're supposed to make mistakes, fall short, mess-up; that's the human experience, it's where we grow.  And yes, it feels awful in the moment: we are embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated, ashamed, but this is the work of life.  If we never "fell" we wouldn't have an opportunity to grow.  Growing is the reason we go to yoga, so we are stronger and better when we leave than when we entered class.  In life, the falling over is what helps us get stronger, better, wiser.  It gives us the opportunity to refine ourselves and become better people.

The buddhists talk about it in this way:  they say life is like riding a wild horse, we spend the first half of our lives trying to just keep our seat on that horse.  Eventually, when we've mastered that, we begin to look forward to losing our seat so we can practice getting back on it.  At some point, we embrace our imperfect human nature and enjoy the process of learning and growing that comes from our mistakes.

In thinking about your own life, can you be gentler with yourself and more loving towards your own  places of "falling over" - when you hurt someone, lose your patience or your temper, make a mistake, act thoughtlessly - can you embrace these as opportunities to learn and grow, becoming an even better version of yourself?  Can you do the same for those around you?

Ouch, That Hurts!

One of my clients shared this story with me recently and I found it enlightening and relevant for almost everyone:

A farmer is sitting on his porch in a chair, hanging out with his dog.

A friend walks up to the porch to say hello and hears an awful yelping, squealing sound coming from the dog.

“What’s the matter with Ol’ Blue?” asks the friend.

“He’s layin’ on a nail that’s pokin’ up from the floorboards,” says the farmer.

“Why doesn’t he just sit up and get off it?” asks the friend.

The farmer deliberates on this and replies: “Don’t hurt enough yet.”

I’ve told this story to several clients and they all had the same reaction -- they paused for a brief second and then they laughed. The dilemma illustrated is a very real, human one that we've all found ourselves in at some point. We can relate to the dog and laugh at ourselves. It seems silly and obvious to the friend that the dog should get up off the nail, but it is equally obvious to the farmer that the pain has to be "bad enough" before the dog is willing to make the effort of getting up and facing his fear of change.

Ask yourself if you are “laying on a nail”. Are you tolerating a situation that is causing discomfort -- perhaps a relationship or a commitment, a job or a work situation, a habit or a pattern of how you relate to others. If so, ask yourself why you’re willing to accept the discomfort rather than face change -- what is holding you back and how much more would the situation have to hurt before you’d be willing to “get off the nail”?

ommmm........

Here's why I love yoga: It's not for the health benefits, although there are many; it's because yoga always reminds its practitioners that where you are is exactly where you're supposed to be.

Yesterday I was in my yoga class and the instructor told us to move through the posture until we couldn't move any further, in other words until we got stuck. Then he said, "Where you're stuck is exactly where you're supposed to be." I've heard this many times in yoga; this time it struck me a little differently.

We all get stuck, not just in yoga but in life. There are issues we keep having over and over - with our loved ones, with our work, with ourselves. In yoga we are taught to stay in the stuck place, breathe and trust. Sometimes we need to wait for our bodies to stretch, relax and become ready to move further. Sometimes we need to wait for our awareness to change and reach that "ah ha!" moment (e.g., My foot is supposed to go this way, not that way!) Sometimes we need an instructor to gently show us how to move out of the stuck place. No matter which situation, it always takes patience and gentleness with ourselves. When we finally become un-stuck, we are stronger, wiser and have learned something invaluable about our bodies, our will and our inner-strength. 

We can apply all of these principles to life. Think about an aspect of your life where you keep getting stuck: a relationship that returns to the same conflict over and over, a habit you can't break, something that scares you, etc. Perhaps you are stuck because it's exactly where you're supposed to be. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe anyone should suffer or stop striving for happiness. What I am suggesting is that there may be a reason you are stuck. There may be an opportunity for you to grow in some way that you haven't been able to attain yet. Just like in yoga relax, breathe, cultivate gentleness towards yourself and embrace the opportunity to grow.