As the school year starts, so do many anxieties. It's normal for kids, from kindergarten all the way through college, to worry about liking their teachers and classmates, having friends and feeling good about themselves through the school year - and it's normal for parents to worry about these things for their children too. We want our children to be happy and we can find ourselves desperately trying to ease their troubles. However, that is the wrong approach.
If we truly want our children be happy, we need to shift our perspective.
Several years ago, when struggling with a parenting issue of my own, a dear colleague and wise mentor of mine, Andrea Quatrale, LCSWR, said to me "our job as parents isn't to make our children happy; our job is to teach them how to cope." This subtle but important advice changes almost everything.
True happiness comes from a sense of trust in ourselves, knowing that we will make good choices and handle life's challenges successfully. As parents, we need to help our children build the skills to do that.
Instead, if we try to remove every obstacle and give our kids everything they want we are teaching them that happiness comes from getting their way, to expect the world to make them happy and we are creating a sense of entitlement. We are also giving them a subtle but strong message that we don't believe they can handle problems or disappointments themselves, that they need us to step in and smooth everything out for them.
Without realizing it, well-meaning parents can easily instill in their children a sense of inadequacy, ineffectiveness, self-centeredness and deny them the opportunity to find the happiness and peace we want them to have.
The best way to help our children is to teach them good coping skills. If they can develop self discipline, tolerate frustration, wait their turn, deal with disappointment, accept their consequences, find solutions to challenges and problems, and most importantly, know how to work hard for something they really want, they will be well-equiped for life and the many challenges that are sure to lie ahead of them.
It goes without saying that safety is always a priority. Children should never be endangered or made to feel alone in their troubles. Within reason, begin teaching your kids some coping skills....set limits, let your kids be bored, say "no", put your own needs and wants first sometimes, let them make choices and deal with the consequences. They will be stronger, believe in themselves and feel ready to deal with life.
