I'm So Embarassed

A few weeks ago something strange happened.  One of my clients told me he was very impacted by a lecture he watched on TED.  We discussed it and I didn't think much about it after that.  Two days later another client came in talking about a TED talk she watched and how deeply it affected her... it sounded like the same talk.  Curious. The next week, a third client emailed me a link to the very same TED talk.  Clearly it was time to watch it.  What I learned was amazing.

The talk was about shame.  Shame? ick -  who wants to hear about shame?  It turns out, I did; and after reading this, you may also.  See, it turns out that shame is directly and deeply connected to happiness.

The speaker, Brené Brown is a research professor who studies vulnerability, courage and shame.  What she found after ten years of research is that a major difference between people who are happy and successful vs those who aren't is their lack of shame.  Shame is defined as the feeling that "something is wrong with me".  When people feel a sense of shame they are much less likely to take risks.  They experience vulnerability and failure as shameful and they expend large amounts of effort to avoid shame by shutting down and not taking risks or asking for what they need or want.

Alternatively, people who do not feel shameful - or that "something is wrong with me" -  are more willing to take risks, fail, ask for what they want or need.  They may not succeed, they may feel vulnerable, but the difference is that they don't feel shame about it.

Vulnerability is scary, and yet as Brené explains, vulnerability is where greatness comes from.  It requires courage to take a risk: telling someone you love them, saying you're sorry, admitting you made a mistake, asking for a raise, applying for a job, sharing an idea or a wish.  If you feel a sense of shame about yourself you are likely to stop yourself from reaching for something greater.  You may feel you don't deserve it, you aren't entitled to even ask for more and so you may shut yourself down.  The problem is that shutting down hurts - it keeps us from being in true contact with ourselves and others.

Is shame limiting you from greater happiness?  Are you afraid to reach for more because you don't think you deserve it or because the thought of failure is too scary?  If so, try to have compassion for yourself.  See if you can let go of any shame-based self-talk.  Recognize that vulnerability and shame are two different things and you don't have to feel ashamed for being vulnerable.

Here is a link to the TED talk by Brene Brown
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     








                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Running Like A Dog

Words of wisdom can appear anywhere.  Recently, my dog trainer Fred unknowingly shared a wise insight about human behavior while explaining why dogs run away: "They don't run because they are looking for you, they run because they feel anxiety and they are trying to get away from that feeling."

Without knowing it, Fred illustrated a common behavior for people, not just dogs: running from anxiety.  

Running from something is not a good way to make decisions and often brings negative results.  A dog who runs away may get hit by a car or lost; a person who runs from his/her anxiety usually makes poor choices and creates more problems.

The impulse to run comes from the primal fight-or-flight instinct.  Giving yourself a positive release, such as exercise, dance, martial arts, singing, etc. can quell that urge to "do" something and enable you to stay present with your anxiety until you can find a healthy and positive solution.  Constructive distraction techniques can also be effective at taking your focus off the anxiety and feelings of powerlessness.  While it may be more uncomfortable initially, staying with your anxiety rather than running from it (making impulsive decisions) is much more likely to yield a  positive outcome and lasting peace.