In my last blog I shared your 14 Legitimate Rights (McKay, Wood, Brantley; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook;2007). As I said then, these create a strong reaction in just about everyone who reads them. Click here to read that blog post.
The second part which goes hand-in-hand with these 14 rights are the 8 Aversive Strategies, which also tend to strike a strong cord in people. These strategies are common behaviors people use when relating to others; unfortunately, they are very damaging to relationships. Read through the list and see if they describe ways you've been treated. There's also a good chance you may recognize some of your own behavior.
8 Aversive Strategies (McKay, Wood, Brantley; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook;2007):
1. Discounting: The message to other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid and don't have legitimacy or importance.
2. Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is Do what I want or I'm leaving. The fear of abandonment is so powerful that many people will give up a great deal to avoid it.
3. Threatening: The message here is Do what I want or I'll hurt you. The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person's life miserable. An example: OK, I won't ask you to help me again. Maybe I'll ask someone else.
4. Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person's fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it.
5. Belittling/denigrating: The strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish and wrong to have a particular need, opinion or feeling.
6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that they other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and need to be given up. Example: If you don't trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship.
7. Derailing: This strategy switches attention away from the other person's feelings and needs. The idea is to stop talking about them and instead talk about yourself. Example: I don't care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt.
8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something they said, did or wanted. Example: John said I"m not really in the mood for hiking, it's boring, after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera he wanted.
These 8 techniques push people away because they use fear, shame or hurtful psychological pressure to influence others. They are common techniques and chances are good that you've been both the recipient of these as well as used them yourself. People learn these behaviors while growing up and use them when they don't know any other way of getting their needs met or when they don't trust that others will meet their needs.
If you find yourself using these aversive strategies, notice what effect they have on your relationships. You may get your intended result initially but most likely the relationship becomes damaged over time. The best way to stop using aversive strategies is to watch your behavior closely and see if you can trust yourself and the other person to meet your emotional needs without having to scare or manipulate them.
If you find that others are using these aversive strategies with you, the best way to deal with such toxic beavior is to stay away from those people. When that's not possible, planning ahead and establishing strong boundaries are essential.
