Thursday, December 20, 2012

Coping With The School Shooting

Last week's school shooting has left most of us shaken to our cores. In my personal life as well as in my practice I see people deeply affected and unable to put to words exactly what they're feeling.
This is normal.  What happened was not just an unspeakable horror to those who were directly involved, it has traumatized each of us.  

It is a deep human instinct to protect children.  Not just our own children, all children.  Even in times of war, it is expected (although not always followed, tragically) that children will be spared.  

When someone intentionally walks into an elementary school and slaughters young children, we are disturbed at a primal level. It feels un-human and defys our most basic comprehension: children are beautiful, innocent, cherished beings; our job is to protect them, celebrate them, raise them.  We are left struggling to make sense of this type of horror and truthfully, we can't.  

It is normal to have a trauma reaction to this type of violence: feelings of deep despair, a general anxiety or unease, hopelessness, fear and a lack of security in the world in general.  These feelings can vary from mild to extreme.  If you or someone you know is having these feelings, know that they are  normal.  Provide support and as much consistency, routine and comfort as you can. Give yourself permission to avoid listening to the news, it can re-traumatize you.  Doing so doesn't mean you don't care about what happened; in fact it may be that you care deeply and need some distance to regain a sense of comfort.

One very important tool you can use to restore your sense of safety is to focus not on the horror and the details of the person who committed the crime, but rather focus on the goodness that is being brought out in people.  There is unspeakable evil in the world, and there is also great love, support, compassion and caring.  When you are feeling overwhelmed and traumatized by events such as these, focusing on the goodness can be comforting.

  

Monday, December 3, 2012

Do You See What I See?

Happiness vs. misery; good fortune vs. bad; the deciding factor in all of these is the perspective you choose to take.  Yes, I said "choose". 

Most people feel they don't have a choice, life is either good or bad, they are lucky or unlucky; but that is not fully correct.  The truth is we all decide which side we fall on by the way we decide to see things.  This past summer there was an incredible example of this.  Those of you who watched the women's olympic gymnastics competition know what I'm referring to.

The anticipation waiting for the final scores in the all-around finals was palpable; the entire stadium, and probably everyone watching at home were at the edge of their seats.  Two women were waiting to see who won the gold: American Gabby Douglas or Russian Viktoria Komova; at the same time two women were waiting to see who won the bronze: Russian Aliya Mustafina or American Aly Raisman.  Four women, three medals, clearly someone was going home empty-handed.

Gabby took the gold leaving Viktoria sobbing uncontrolably at getting "only" the silver.  At first it was heartbreaking to watch.  But then something fascinating happened right next to them: Aliya and Aly held their breaths each waiting to see who would be the lucky one to get the bronze.  Aliya was declared the winner and it was clear that she felt elated while her teammate Viktoria was devasted at getting the silver. The bronze winner was happier than the silver, how was this possible?

This was a clear example of perspective determining happiness.  The young woman who ranked second in the world felt like a loser, but the woman who won the bronze felt like the biggest winner.  Researchers (Victoria Medven, Scott Madey and Thomas Gilovich, 1992) have found that bronze medalists tend to be happier than silver. The reason seems to be that silver medalists are haunted with "I came so close" and "if only I had..." thoughts, while bronze medalists are thrilled that they at least got a medal.
 
We cannot control many of the events that life brings to us, but how we perceive those events will determine how happy (or unhappy) we will be.  The next time you find yourself feeling upset or that the world is unfair ask yourself if you can see the glass as half-full instead of half-empty.  It may not change the circumstances in your life but it will probably make you happier along the way.