Opinions are running very strong these days, which can make having a civil discussion with someone who disagrees with you feel impossible. However, this is one of the most important skills mature adults need to cultivate in order to lead healthy lives, not just about politics, but about any issue.
Despite how crucial it is to be able to disagree without destroying relationships, most people have no idea how to do this effectively.
While many of us are required to take classes in high school that teach basic health, hygiene and reproductive information; and some of us even learn basics about cooking, cleaning and childcare, there are no classes in school that teach how to interact with others, how to be a good friend or partner and certainly no formal education on how to handle conflict. When it comes to our most important relationships we have to wing-it, and when there is a disagreement or opposing view point we have to do our best to figure out how to handle that, often with negative results.
Towson University professor Andrew Reiner offers a seminar called "Mister Rogers 101: Why Civility and Community Still Matter". In it, students learn the basics on how to connect with others civilly, respect opposing view points and appreciate why others see things the way they do.
Reiner encourages his students to have conversations with people they disagree with and he gives specific rules to follow.
When discussing opposing view points:
- No interrupting
- No raising of the voice
- No eye-rolling
- No smirking
- No waiting for the other person to finish so you can jump to disagree
- When the other person finishes, ask questions about what led them to come to their opinion, theory or conclusion.
While this is great advice for discussing politics (if you must), it is equally important advice for any sort of relationship. We are all bound to disagree at some point, probably with the people who matter most to us. It's important that we have a way to approach disagreements that don't leave one another feeling hurt, dismissed or worse.
As Reiner explains, if we have no ability to tolerate opinions different from our own, we will keep removing people from our lives one by one until there is no one left. While that might work on social media, it is a very poor way to live.
I suggest each of us take on these guidelines for all discussions, especially in our most important relationships.
