The Magical Word "AND"

At any time of the year, but particularly now in the midst of the holiday season, the word "and" can have magical qualities.

Holidays bring us in contact with people we don't normally see and expose us to announcements, life events and celebrations.  This can be very painful if we're struggling with our own feelings - perhaps grief, a challenging relationship, loss of a job, a child going through a hard time, etc. We often feel confused and polarized into "either/or": I'm either happy for you or I'm sad, I'm either a good person who feels joy for others or I'm a selfish person who only feels my sadness. The truth is we often feel both - happy for the other person's joy and sad about our own pain.

The word "and" allows us to be healthy humans who feel more than one emotion at a time. 

Creating a statement (to use aloud, or to say silently to ourselves) can help.
For example:

• I'm happy to learn about your engagement, and I'm struggling with my own recent break up.
• Congratulations on your promotion, I'm happy for you, and I'm having a really hard time with my own unemployment.
• I'm happy for you that your parents' are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, and I'm deeply grieving another holiday season without my mom/dad, etc.
• It's wonderful that you're expecting a baby - I'm happy for you, and I'm sad that I'm still trying to have a baby.
• Congratulations on your child getting into a wonderful college, I'm happy for him/her, and I'm very worried that my own child is struggling so much.

It's important to remember that our own pain does not mean we resent the happiness of others, and it's equally important to remember that we are allowed to feel and express our pain - doing so does not take away from the joy of others. 

If you find yourself in a situation like this, you can choose to share out loud that you're feeling complex emotions, or you can acknowledge it silently to yourself - this will give you permission to have joy for others while also having your own grief/pain without self-judgement.

Click here for more ways to cope with stress during the holiday season.

Holiday-Emotions Survival Guide

It seems like just a few weeks ago we were flooded with first-day -of-school pictures, and somehow we are suddenly on the verge of another holiday season.

As decorations and holiday music are flooding the stores, advertisements remind us to plan gift/shopping lists, and invitations to parties start rolling in it's normal to have a mixture of emotions.

The hope is that we will be filled with feelings of gratitude, love and connection to our communities; however it's often not that simple. It's normal to feel stressed and overwhelmed during the holidays; sometimes having even more difficult feelings to cope with like anxiety, loneliness, depression, resentment, or worse.

There are some key things we can do to manage the pressures and emotional triggers of the holidays. 

Here is a guide from previous posts I've written including How to Set Limits (Saying No), Invisible Grief, and Coping With Anxiety.  Each section has a link to the original, full post:

Permission to Say "No" (read full article here)

Trying our best to meet the endless list of expectations put upon us often leads to resentment, anger, anxiety or depression. This instensifies if our own needs and feelings don't seem to matter to others.
It's normal to fear disappointing people and making them angry with us; however, setting limits is a critical part of surviving the holiday season (and life in general). It's essential to remember that your own emotional wellbeing matters as much as others' - in fact you have a legitimate, basic human right to say no, possibly disappointing others sometimes - doing so does not make you a bad person....even if people try to make you feel that way!

Invisible Grief (read full article here)

Certainly the loss of a loved one, no matter how long ago, can trigger feelings of grief during the holidays. Something that can be even harder to bear is Invisible Grief -  losses that others can't easily see: spending the holidays apart from family members (children who are grown, or college students who can't come home), losing a friendship, estrangement within your family or losing a support system such a job, group, club or community, etc.

When our grief is invisble we don't receive the support, compassion or understanding we typically get during loss. This can deepen feelings of isolation and complicate our ability to cope.

If you're struggling with grief - visible or invisible - consider sharing your feelings with others and allowing yourself to ask for support. 

Managing Anxiety

Holiday anxiety tends to center around 3 factors: 

• Fear Of Upsetting/Disappointing Others (read more here)

      As mentioned above, holiday pressure is enormous and often unrealistic. Remember that you are allowed to say no and/or disappoint others sometimes; doing so does not make you a bad person.
Healthy relationships should be able to tolerate disappointment and allow for each person to negotiate meeting their needs. If your needs are not accepted, it's possible you have a bigger issue going on - the health of the relationship.

• Feeling Powerless (read more here)

      The bombardment of demands and pressure during the holidays can easily make us feel powerless and overwhelmed. Instead of focusing on what you cannot do, focus on the things you can do to empower yourself and reclaim a feeling of some control.
You can decide which activites are important to you and select only those
You can make your tasks more realistic and managable
You can say no to things that make you feel bad.

• Focusing On The Past Or The Future (read more here)

      This is the most common way people panic themselves: focusing on something upsetting from the past (which the holidays can easily trigger) or catastrophising the future. 

      Simple mindfulness strategies can quickly and effectively bring us back to the present moment and undo this type of anxiety.


To survive the stress and emotions of the holidays create a list of the things that are most important to you, a plan for achieving those things, and allow yourself to say no to whatever feels upsetting or overwhelming.

If we can remember that the holidays are a time of celebration, appreciation and thankfulness, and reconnecting with people and things that are important to us, it becomes much easier to navigate the demands of the season.

Taming Anxiety and Stress

Just about everyone I know struggles with stress and anxiety, some of us more than others; but very few people know the skills to manage and prevent these feelings.

While everyone's stress is different, there are two components that are universal to all anxiety and stress.  Learning some simple techniques can create a huge difference in how we feel throughout the day, how we relate to others and our overall well being.

I came across Amishi Jha during an interview on the radio and was instantly fascinated.  She is a neuropsychologist who studies attention. She validated the main causes of stress and anxiety that I see every day - and how to use this information to build the skills to decrease or eliminate stress and anxiety! 

Here are the key points I got from her TedX talk:

1. Attention works like an amplifier

• Wherever attention (focus) goes, the brain follows
• Attention is like a flashlight in a dark room - where you shine the light is what you see and focus on
• What we choose to focus on directly impacts our perception

What do you focus on?
Do you want to feel happy but focus on what could go wrong, what you dislike about a situation or about yourself, what you can't control or what makes you feel powerless? 

Where you shine the flashlight (focus) is what you see. If you focus on the negatives you are going to feel stressed and upset. If you want to feel happy and peaceful, focus on the positives - what you have accomplished, what did go right, the things you can control and the ways things worked out in the past.

2. Mind Wandering

When we are stressed, our minds tend to wander into memories of the past or into fantasies about the future; but that's not all - these wanderings often become ruminations about upsetting events from the past, and catastrophizing about the future.  This is a sure-fired way to create anxiety.

Ironically, the more stressed and anxious we are, the more we tend to do these things, and the more we do them, the more stressed and anxious we become. 

Dr. Jha explains something most therapists know - an extremely effective way to calm and prevent anxiety is to stay present-focused. It is almost impossible to become anxious and stressed if we are truly focused on the moment.  

Chances are you've had this experience naturally: getting lost in a moment of extreme focus such as when playing sports or musical instruments, creating art, working on a hobby, a compelling project or are connecting with nature. It is impossible to be worrying while genuinely engrossed in an experience - we often lose track of time and everything else, including our stress and anxiety. 

There are simple ways to recreate this type of present-oriented focus, such as learning easy breathing techniques, sensory awareness, guided meditation or mindfulness training. 

These skills pay off exponentially by calming stress and anxiety AND protecting us from it in the future. Like physical exercise, the more we practice mindfulness techniques, the better we get at them.

The next time you find yourself feeling anxious or stressed, "pay attention to your attention" (Jha) - notice what you're focusing on. Most likely you are focusing on the negatives while also ruminating about the past or worrying and catastrophizing about the future. Try learning some simple ways to bring your focus back to the present moment and notice that your anxiety and stress will calm down immediately. 

A Truly Happy New Year

It's the New Year and many of us feel we should be reflecting on ourselves and setting goals; however, in our focus to push forward and work hard we often miss one critical factor - we must first turn inwards and let go. This can be harder than it sounds.

Sometimes we easily see the things holding us back - that broken-up relationship we can't let go of, a betrayal that still burns, grief for a loved one we're mourning; but the things that really hold us back tend to be deeply hidden and invisible. These are the old beliefs about ourselves WE DON'T EVEN REALIZE WE HAVE. Let that sink in for a minute.

We all have beliefs we're unaware of:
I have to do everything myself
No one appreciates me
I'm not allowed to put my needs first
I don't deserve _____ (love, money, happiness, etc)
I always ___ (mess things up, quit, disappoint, etc) 
Asking for help is weak
Etc., etc....

These thoughts shape and define our interactions with the people and the world around us much more than we realize, becoming self-fulfilling prophesies that "prove" us right and deepen our hold on these myths.

None of us are born this way, so how did this happen? Somewhere in our early years we were taught un-truths about ourselves and, because we were young and vulnerable, we believed them. Now that we're older, we can learn to recognize and un-do these hurtful, self-limiting beliefs.

If you're looking for proof that you will be mistreated and hurt, you will find it, but there are also many ways to find happiness if you're ready. The first step is letting go of those old painful stories. Chances are, you've been carrying them around most of your life; maybe this New Year it's time for something really new - a positive belief in yourself.