A fascinating thing happened to me the other day, something that's probably also happened to you. Someone decided they were angry with me for something I did, but the funny thing is, I didn't do what they thought, not even close.
No matter what I said, or how I tried to explain to the woman that she got it wrong, she was certain she knew what I really said or did and nothing would convince her otherwise. After several friendly attempts at clearing up the misunderstanding, I gave up. Confused, frustrated and a little sad for her, I realized that she was just like Lee.
No matter what I said, or how I tried to explain to the woman that she got it wrong, she was certain she knew what I really said or did and nothing would convince her otherwise. After several friendly attempts at clearing up the misunderstanding, I gave up. Confused, frustrated and a little sad for her, I realized that she was just like Lee.
Lee is a story I read often to my clients:
Lee thought that everyone at work hated him. One day, a new employee approached him in the cafeteria and asked to sit down. The woman tried to be friendly and make conversation, but Lee was more engaged in the conversation in his own head than the one he was having with the woman.
“She’s probably just stuck up like the rest of them,” he thought. “It’s probably just a joke someone else put her up to.” From the moment the woman sat down and tried to talk with him, Lee became angrier and more suspicious.
The woman did her best to make small talk, but Lee was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to recognize her friendliness. After five minutes of unsuccessful trying the woman moved to different table, and Lee congratulated himself. “I knew it,” he thought, “I knew she wasn’t really interested in me.” Lee’s insecurities and had cost him another opportunity to meet a potential friend.*
Chances are you have met a "Lee" in your life. The important thing to remember in dealing with such a person is to not take anything they say or do personally (click here for more on this). Easier said than done, especially if "Lee" is your spouse, partner, friend or anyone who knows you well. Remember that Lee is more interested in the story in his/her own head than what's actually going on or who you really are.
There is also a good possibility that you have been "Lee" at some point. We tend to expect certain treatment from others and we do a good job "proving" ourselves right. However, we may have a distorted view of the world. If you find yourself often feeling mistreated, criticized, lied to, excluded, unwanted, etc., you may want to investigate the possibility that you're being like Lee and telling yourself stories rather than listening to the world around you.
*The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook; McKay, Wood, Brantley; 2007
