Who's Better Than You?

I recently heard a quote from Formula One race car driver Lewis Hamilton that I love: "The only person I have to be better than today is the person I was yesterday".
There's a lot of wisdom in this.  Think about how your life would be different if you applied this to yourself.

Often we spend a lot of time and energy comparing ourselves to others: am I (or are my children) as rich, popular, happy, thin, successful, smart, etc.. as _____?  There are always people who will have more of what you want.  Living this way will lead to a life of frustration always chasing an elusive dream.  Instead of measuring yourself against someone else, measure yourself against how you were yesterday, last week or last year.

Sometimes we have a hard time feeling good about ourselves.  We can't let go of old feelings we have about our inadequacies.  These type of judgements often have old roots in our past, perhaps coming from our childhood or from a relationship with someone who had a lot of influence over us.

If it's difficult for you to feel positively about yourself think about seeking help from a therapist.  Professional support and guidance can help you see yourself differently and enable you to let go of old beliefs that don't serve you.

Ancient Myths

Myths are fictional stories that we choose to believe are true. Most likely, you have a slew of myths you live by without even realizing it. You might tell yourself things like: "I can't count on anyone", "There's nothing I can do to change things", "No one cares", "If I ask for help, people will let me down", "Bad things always happen to me", "I have to be perfect", "Anger is unacceptable", "I'm too needy", etc, etc... you get the idea. These are myths about fear, limitation and impossibilities.

You may have learned these myths yourself or someone may have taught them to you. However they came to be, you may want to ask yourself why you hold onto these stories. More importantly, you may want to ask yourself if you are ready to let go of these old stories and learn a new way of being in the world.

People like what is famillar. Letting go of old beliefs can be scary. People were scared the first time they heard the world was not flat. They resisted the truth and wanted to hold on to their old way of thinking, even if it was wrong. This is human nature. It's ok to feel scared about change, even positive change. Support can help you understand why you hold on to old ways of thinking and how to move forward into a happier, more fulfilling way to live.

Secret Habits

Chances are you have some habits you don't realize are habits, most of us do.
You may be thinking about habits like nail biting, smoking, eating or drinking certain foods, but did you know that thoughts, beliefs and emotions can become habits too?
Is there something you tell yourself often, maybe without even noticing: "I don't deserve that", "I'm not smart enough for that", "I can't do that", "Bad things are going to happen"? You may even have a belief or expectation that has become habituated without realizing, such as worrying, feeling hopeless, feeling alone, scared or expecting the worst. You probably learned to feel these things in response to a pattern of events in your life, but that doesn't mean that you have to hold on to them anymore.
You can learn to change what you expect, believe and feel. You can learn how to feel safe, happy and positive. The first step is to recognize these patterns of thoughts and beliefs. Next you need to ask yourself if you're ready to let go of them. It can be scary to change our patterns, even if the change is positive. If you are ready, seeking support can help you create new patterns that are more fulfilling.

Are You Listening?

Your body is talking to you, but are you listening?
Most of us spend most of the time thinking...and thinking and thinking, but often ignoring what our bodies are saying to us. We "live" up in our heads worrying about work, bills, relationships, anxieties about the future, re-playing the past. In doing so, we pay very little attention to our bodies and we miss out on a lot of important information.

Your body is talking to you all the time and your body never lies. We convince ourselves of stories we want to believe ("I don't mind", "It will get better", "It's not my fault", "I can't tell him/her how I feel") and we may do a really good job of that; but your body won't let you get away with it. If you stop and pay attention to what you're feeling physically you will notice that your body is sending you messages:
Are there certain people or situations which always seem to give you a headache, or a stomach ache?
Are there others that always bring a smile to your face, give you energy and maybe even take away a headache?
Is your body waking you up during the night trying to tell you something?

Try a little experiment with me right now.
Without changing anything in your posture or body, take a quick inventory and notice any spots of tension. Is your jaw clenched? Is your chest tight? How is your breathing? Is it smooth and deep, or is it shallow? How is your gut? Is it relaxed or does it burn or hurt? Is your leg bouncing, or are your fingers tapping?
Without any judgement, check in with any of these parts of yourself and imagine it is able to speak to you...what is it saying?

There are many reasons why we don't listen to our bodies. Maybe we were never taught to listen; or perhaps we don't want to listen...we may be afraid of what we will learn. But ignorance is rarely a comforting place. I encourage you to learn to listen to your body as it can be a valuable road towards greater peace and happiness.

Here are some ways to learn this skill:
Therapy with a clinician skilled in this type of work,
Yoga, Tai Chi, or any sort of body-mind oriented activity or exercise
Meditation
Massage, accupuncture, chiropractic

What Are You So Afraid Of?

When was the last time you were scared?

There are some fear-driven behaviors we barely notice and do every day such as buckling our seat belts, paying our bills, showing up to work, following the rules of the road. We do these things at least partly to avoid getting hurt or getting in trouble.

But what about the other stuff, the stuff that really scares you like telling your significant other that he/she hurt you, telling a family member that you don't like the way they treat you, asking for a raise, telling someone you really like them, asking for help? How often is there something you feel strongly about but don't give yourself permission to act upon because you're scared?

Fear influences a large amount of our behaviors, more often that we realize. We usually feel fear and stop, which is an old survival instinct; but rarely do we think through what we are really afraid of and what the worst is that could happen. What would happen if you told your significant other that you really wish they would listen more to you or hold you more often, asked for a raise, tried a new class or told someone that you like them? Sometimes the risk is bad and it's very smart to avoid it; but perhaps there are fears that stop you from living a fuller life.

Try something new this week: pick one thing you really want but are afraid to ask for. Ask yourself what the worst thing is that could happen and then decide if it's worth taking a chance.

Gifts From the Most Unusual Places

In this time of gift-giving, I am reminded that sometimes gifts can be found in the most unusual places. 

We all have pain, crises and suffer.  Nobody wants these hurtful experiences, certainly I know that I don’t, and I don’t want them for anyone else; however, many years of experience have taught me that there are often priceless gifts to be found in even the most painful experiences. 

Without minimizing the very real pain of emotional crises, I know that such experiences can bestow great gifts on us.  A wise friend of mine used to say “the gift is in the wound”.  I hated that saying…who wants to be wounded?  But she was right.

Emotional crises often show us just how strong we can be.  They cause us to dig deep inside ourselves, stretch way beyond our comfort zone and grow in ways we were not planning.  Sometimes it means learning how to ask for help, or awakening to the people and blessings in your life you may have been taking for granted, or learning that you can count on yourself.  It may mean finding a new way to communicate, a new way to handle pain, or changing something about the way you’ve been doing things.   

While my wish for all of you in the New Year is a peaceful and joyful future, I know that crises and pain are unfortunate parts of reality.  I wish for you that you will come through the challenges you face as painlessly as possible and with a new appreciation for your strength, abilities and blessings. 

Are You Hearing Voices?

You are reaching for that second brownie and change your mind, calling in sick to work but feeling guilty or making yourself volunteer for another fundraiser when you are exhausted and it's the last thing you feel like doing.  Why?  Whose voices are you listening to?
We often feel we "should" or "shouldn't" do something ("If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all", "Boys don't cry", "You must finish all the food on your plate") regardless of what our inner self is feeling ("But I really want to tell him/her how hurt I feel", "I am really upset and feel like crying", "I am SO full!"). 
You will recognize that this is happening by some inner feeling of conflict.  When this happens, ask yourself whose voice you're listening to?  Is it your mother's or father's, a teacher's, your spouse's or friend's?  Ask yourself how long you've been listening to this voice.  Often these "shoulds" become ingrained in us as children and we carry them with us, sometimes for quite a long time. 
Then ask yourself what would happen if you stopped listening to those voices and did what you really wanted instead....??? 
If that thought is scary, ask yourself what exactly you are afraid of. 
Some of these voices are beneficial and remind us to stick to our goals ("You want to loose weight, don't eat that second brownie"), but sometimes they force us to behave in ways that create inner conflict ("I can't tell my neighbor how I really feel about what he/she did.  I'll smile and pretend everything is ok") which can create emotional and even physical distress. 
So ask yourself whose voices you're listening to and are they the ones you really want to follow?  Sometimes we limit ourselves by old fears that we don't have to hold on to anymore.