Taming Anxiety and Stress

Just about everyone I know struggles with stress and anxiety, some of us more than others; but very few people know the skills to manage and prevent these feelings.

While everyone's stress is different, there are two components that are universal to all anxiety and stress.  Learning some simple techniques can create a huge difference in how we feel throughout the day, how we relate to others and our overall well being.

I came across Amishi Jha during an interview on the radio and was instantly fascinated.  She is a neuropsychologist who studies attention. She validated the main causes of stress and anxiety that I see every day - and how to use this information to build the skills to decrease or eliminate stress and anxiety! 

Here are the key points I got from her TedX talk:

1. Attention works like an amplifier

• Wherever attention (focus) goes, the brain follows
• Attention is like a flashlight in a dark room - where you shine the light is what you see and focus on
• What we choose to focus on directly impacts our perception

What do you focus on?
Do you want to feel happy but focus on what could go wrong, what you dislike about a situation or about yourself, what you can't control or what makes you feel powerless? 

Where you shine the flashlight (focus) is what you see. If you focus on the negatives you are going to feel stressed and upset. If you want to feel happy and peaceful, focus on the positives - what you have accomplished, what did go right, the things you can control and the ways things worked out in the past.

2. Mind Wandering

When we are stressed, our minds tend to wander into memories of the past or into fantasies about the future; but that's not all - these wanderings often become ruminations about upsetting events from the past, and catastrophizing about the future.  This is a sure-fired way to create anxiety.

Ironically, the more stressed and anxious we are, the more we tend to do these things, and the more we do them, the more stressed and anxious we become. 

Dr. Jha explains something most therapists know - an extremely effective way to calm and prevent anxiety is to stay present-focused. It is almost impossible to become anxious and stressed if we are truly focused on the moment.  

Chances are you've had this experience naturally: getting lost in a moment of extreme focus such as when playing sports or musical instruments, creating art, working on a hobby, a compelling project or are connecting with nature. It is impossible to be worrying while genuinely engrossed in an experience - we often lose track of time and everything else, including our stress and anxiety. 

There are simple ways to recreate this type of present-oriented focus, such as learning easy breathing techniques, sensory awareness, guided meditation or mindfulness training. 

These skills pay off exponentially by calming stress and anxiety AND protecting us from it in the future. Like physical exercise, the more we practice mindfulness techniques, the better we get at them.

The next time you find yourself feeling anxious or stressed, "pay attention to your attention" (Jha) - notice what you're focusing on. Most likely you are focusing on the negatives while also ruminating about the past or worrying and catastrophizing about the future. Try learning some simple ways to bring your focus back to the present moment and notice that your anxiety and stress will calm down immediately. 

A Truly Happy New Year

It's the New Year and many of us feel we should be reflecting on ourselves and setting goals; however, in our focus to push forward and work hard we often miss one critical factor - we must first turn inwards and let go. This can be harder than it sounds.

Sometimes we easily see the things holding us back - that broken-up relationship we can't let go of, a betrayal that still burns, grief for a loved one we're mourning; but the things that really hold us back tend to be deeply hidden and invisible. These are the old beliefs about ourselves WE DON'T EVEN REALIZE WE HAVE. Let that sink in for a minute.

We all have beliefs we're unaware of:
I have to do everything myself
No one appreciates me
I'm not allowed to put my needs first
I don't deserve _____ (love, money, happiness, etc)
I always ___ (mess things up, quit, disappoint, etc) 
Asking for help is weak
Etc., etc....

These thoughts shape and define our interactions with the people and the world around us much more than we realize, becoming self-fulfilling prophesies that "prove" us right and deepen our hold on these myths.

None of us are born this way, so how did this happen? Somewhere in our early years we were taught un-truths about ourselves and, because we were young and vulnerable, we believed them. Now that we're older, we can learn to recognize and un-do these hurtful, self-limiting beliefs.

If you're looking for proof that you will be mistreated and hurt, you will find it, but there are also many ways to find happiness if you're ready. The first step is letting go of those old painful stories. Chances are, you've been carrying them around most of your life; maybe this New Year it's time for something really new - a positive belief in yourself.

Another (Sad?) School Year

While some of us have been counting down the days to the start of another school year ("get these kids to school, please!"), others are feeling more melancholy.

There are many things about the start of school that can trigger feelings of sadness, even grief: graduation, kids going to college, young children starting school for the first time - all of these are changes, more importantly they are losses of what was.

Typically, we are expected to celebrate our children growing up and moving on, certainly graduations are a big accomplishment; and while we are joyful for their growth and achievements, it is normal to have a sense of loss too. These feelings can catch us off guard or be disregarded by others (see my post on Invisible Grief to learn more).

Additionally, the beginning of the school year can trigger anxiety and dread for adults who had trouble going to school when they were kids. If you struggled with school yourself as a child, either because you were bullied or because you had anxiety about being away from home, it's normal to feel uncomfortable with this time of year.

For those of you finding yourselves feeling sad about the start of a new school year, know that you are not alone.  It may not be the most popular topic on social media, but it is certainly shared by many. Reach out to others who feel the same, or who can lend a compassionate shoulder and a willing ear to listen. Perhaps seek out a friend who has children slightly older and ask them how they coped through these phases. Most importantly, respect your feelings and allow time to work through the big changes that are very real to you.

Can't We Just Get Along?

Opinions are running very strong these days, which can make having a civil discussion with someone who disagrees with you feel impossible. However, this is one of the most important skills mature adults need to cultivate in order to lead healthy lives, not just about politics, but about any issue.

Despite how crucial it is to be able to disagree without destroying relationships, most people have no idea how to do this effectively. 

While many of us are required to take classes in high school that teach basic health, hygiene and reproductive information; and some of us even learn basics about cooking, cleaning and childcare, there are no classes in school that teach how to interact with others, how to be a good friend or partner and certainly no formal education on how to handle conflict. When it comes to our most important relationships we have to wing-it, and when there is a disagreement or opposing view point we have to do our best to figure out how to handle that, often with negative results. 

Towson University professor Andrew Reiner offers a seminar called "Mister Rogers 101: Why Civility and Community Still Matter". In it, students learn the basics on how to connect with others civilly, respect opposing view points and appreciate why others see things the way they do.

Reiner encourages his students to have conversations with people they disagree with and he gives specific rules to follow.

When discussing opposing view points:

• No interrupting
• No raising of the voice
• No eye-rolling
• No smirking
• No waiting for the other person to finish so you can jump to disagree
• When the other person finishes, ask questions about what led them to come to their opinion, theory or conclusion.

While this is great advice for discussing politics (if you must), it is equally important advice for any sort of relationship.  We are all bound to disagree at some point, probably with the people who matter most to us. It's important that we have a way to approach disagreements that don't leave one another feeling hurt, dismissed or worse. 

As Reiner explains, if we have no ability to tolerate opinions different from our own, we will keep removing people from our lives one by one until there is no one left.  While that might work on social media, it is a very poor way to live. 

I suggest each of us take on these guidelines for all discussions, especially in our most important relationships.

Thriving Emotionally

At the beginning of a new year we often focus on self-improvement - better health, more success, etc; however we overlook one extremely important factor for happiness and good health: emotional well-being.

In his TED talk "The Importance of Practicing Emotional Hygiene", Guy Winch, Ph.D. explains that we learn from a very early age how to take care of ourselves physically, but we have no idea how to take care of ourselves emotionally. Ironically, we sustain emotional and psychological injuries (such as loneliness, failure or rejection) far more often than physical injuries.

Left unaddressed, these emotional and psychological injuries can have as strong a negative impact on our life expectancy as physical diseases. The effect of long-term loneliness can shorten one's life by 14% and is as dangerous to one's life expectancy as cigarette smoking (Winch).

The areas most vulnerable to emotional pain are loneliness, failure and rejection. When wounded in these areas, not only do we feel pain, but we inaccurately perceive life and the people around us to be harsher and more painful than they actually are. Winch explains how to heal these types of injuries:

Loneliness is defined as feeling emotionally or socially disconnected from people and can occur even when surrounded by others.
Loneliness won't just make you miserable, it will kill you. Chronic loneliness causes high blood pressure, high cholesterol, negatively impacts your immune system and shortens life expectancy by 14 years (Winch).
It's essential to build connections and create a sense of community for yourself.

Failure
It's important to be very aware of how you handle failure. If your mind tries to convince you that you're incapable of something, you will begin to feel helpless and will give up - thus proving to yourself that your mind was right and you are incapable. This is clearly nonsense, but it becomes truth if we allow it to and is the reason why so many people function below their potential. Einstein said "it's not that I'm smart; it's just that I stay with problems longer."
It's critical to fight feelings of helplessness, gain control over the situation and break the negative cycle of feeling incapable before it begins. 

Rejection
Rejection is extremely painful. When our self-esteem is lower, we are more vulnerable to stress and anxiety, failures and rejections hurt more and take longer to recover from; however, instead of soothing and nurturing ourselves after rejection, we tend to criticize and demean ourselves in ways much worse than we would ever do to someone else. We damage our self-esteem while it's already hurting. This is very poor emotional hygiene.
When you experience rejection, the most important thing to do is rebuild your self esteem and treat yourself as kindly and gently as you would your most cherished friend.
Protect your self-esteem.

Just like your physical health, your emotional health is your responsibility and the attention you give to it will have a tremendous impact on the quality and length of your life. While you cannot control all variables in life, just like with physical health, there are basic things you can do to maintain a baseline of good health, and steps to take to recover when feeling poorly: by building connections when you're lonely, changing your negative responses to failure and protecting your self esteem you will be following the basic components of good mental hygiene. You will quickly see a drastic improvement in your well-being, build emotional resilience and begin to thrive. 

Want Happy Kids?

As the school year starts, so do many anxieties. It's normal for kids, from kindergarten all the way through college, to worry about liking their teachers and classmates, having friends and feeling good about themselves through the school year - and it's normal for parents to worry about these things for their children too.  We want our children to be happy and we can find ourselves desperately trying to ease their troubles. However, that is the wrong approach.

If we truly want our children be happy, we need to shift our perspective.

Several years ago, when struggling with a parenting issue of my own, a  dear colleague and wise mentor of mine, Andrea Quatrale, LCSWR, said to me "our job as parents isn't to make our children happy; our job is to teach them how to cope."  This subtle but important advice changes almost everything.

True happiness comes from a sense of trust in ourselves, knowing that we will make good choices and handle life's challenges successfully.  As parents, we need to help our children build the skills to do that.

Instead, if we try to remove every obstacle and give our kids everything they want we are teaching them that happiness comes from getting their way, to expect the world to make them happy and we are creating a sense of entitlement.  We are also giving them a subtle but strong message that we don't believe they can handle problems or disappointments themselves, that they need us to step in and smooth everything out for them.

Without realizing it, well-meaning parents can easily instill in their children a sense of inadequacy, ineffectiveness, self-centeredness and deny them the opportunity to find the happiness and peace we want them to have.

The best way to help our children is to teach them good coping skills.  If they can develop self discipline, tolerate frustration, wait their turn, deal with disappointment, accept their consequences, find solutions to challenges and problems, and most importantly, know how to work hard for something they really want, they will be well-equiped for life and the many challenges that are sure to lie ahead of them.

It goes without saying that safety is always a priority. Children should never be endangered or made to feel alone in their troubles. Within reason, begin teaching your kids some coping skills....set limits, let your kids be bored, say "no", put your own needs and wants first sometimes, let them make choices and deal with the consequences. They will be stronger, believe in themselves and feel ready to deal with life.

Are You Trustworthy??

Good relationships are one of the most important aspects to a peaceful, happy life. One ingredient essential for this is trust.

Trust is defined as: 
"Something important to me is safe with you"  
- Brene Brown, researcher and scholar 

(See her full video here  http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust)

Trust doesn't happen by accident. So how do we create trust?

It starts by recognizing what is important to the other person, NOT what you think is/should be important to them.This recognition needs to occur repeatedly and consistently, in large ways, but also in small ways: "Trust is built in the smallest of moments"-John Gottman (https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/).

Defending a friend or being there in a crisis are important, but so are the smaller things like noticing when someone is upset and taking the time to ask them about it, remembering and recognizing important accomplishments or just knowing the way they like their coffee, etc.

Another important part of trust-building is asking for help. Some people are great at helping everyone; that's not enough. Asking for help is critical because it demonstrates a willingness to be vulnerable, a belief in the other person and it shows that you don't judge people for having needs.

Brown describes 7 components to building trust:

1) Boundaries: Be clear about your boundaries and mine, and respect them. Always.

2) Reliability:  Do what you say you're going to do - over and over and over.
It's important to be clear about your own limitations so you don't overextend yourself and make commitments you can't keep (ex: "sure, I'll help you move", or "let's do lunch"). While these casual commitments seem harmless, when they're insincere they erode trust.

3) Accountability: Accept responsibility when you hurt someone, (intentionally or accidentally), apologize and do whatever is necessary to make things right. Equally important is allowing others to apologize, take responsibility for their errors and make things right; in other words - do not hold a grudge.

4) The Vault: What you share with me I will keep in confidence. ALSO - I will not tell you information about other people, in other words - no gossiping.  When we break the vault by sharing other peoples' confidential information, our friends know we may do it to them too.

5) Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort, over what is fun, fast or easy; practicing your values.

6) Non-Judgement: I can be struggling with something and not be judged by you; and I offer the same to you.

7) Generosity: If someone hurts or offends you, do not assume they did it intentionally. Assume the most generous thing about the other person's intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you would like your relationships (both personal and professional) to be as healthy and fulfilling as possible, consider these factors and explore how well you follow them. Likewise, allow yourself distance from others who don't consistently demonstrate trustworthy behaviors towards you.