Are You Trustworthy??

Good relationships are one of the most important aspects to a peaceful, happy life. One ingredient essential for this is trust.

Trust is defined as: 
"Something important to me is safe with you"  
- Brene Brown, researcher and scholar 

(See her full video here  http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust)

Trust doesn't happen by accident. So how do we create trust?

It starts by recognizing what is important to the other person, NOT what you think is/should be important to them.This recognition needs to occur repeatedly and consistently, in large ways, but also in small ways: "Trust is built in the smallest of moments"-John Gottman (https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/).

Defending a friend or being there in a crisis are important, but so are the smaller things like noticing when someone is upset and taking the time to ask them about it, remembering and recognizing important accomplishments or just knowing the way they like their coffee, etc.

Another important part of trust-building is asking for help. Some people are great at helping everyone; that's not enough. Asking for help is critical because it demonstrates a willingness to be vulnerable, a belief in the other person and it shows that you don't judge people for having needs.

Brown describes 7 components to building trust:

1) Boundaries: Be clear about your boundaries and mine, and respect them. Always.

2) Reliability:  Do what you say you're going to do - over and over and over.
It's important to be clear about your own limitations so you don't overextend yourself and make commitments you can't keep (ex: "sure, I'll help you move", or "let's do lunch"). While these casual commitments seem harmless, when they're insincere they erode trust.

3) Accountability: Accept responsibility when you hurt someone, (intentionally or accidentally), apologize and do whatever is necessary to make things right. Equally important is allowing others to apologize, take responsibility for their errors and make things right; in other words - do not hold a grudge.

4) The Vault: What you share with me I will keep in confidence. ALSO - I will not tell you information about other people, in other words - no gossiping.  When we break the vault by sharing other peoples' confidential information, our friends know we may do it to them too.

5) Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort, over what is fun, fast or easy; practicing your values.

6) Non-Judgement: I can be struggling with something and not be judged by you; and I offer the same to you.

7) Generosity: If someone hurts or offends you, do not assume they did it intentionally. Assume the most generous thing about the other person's intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you would like your relationships (both personal and professional) to be as healthy and fulfilling as possible, consider these factors and explore how well you follow them. Likewise, allow yourself distance from others who don't consistently demonstrate trustworthy behaviors towards you.

Invisible Grief?

I see people all the time who are grieving but don't know it.  There are times when our grief is obvious - mostly when we've lost a loved one or suffered a tragedy, but grief comes in many ways and is often invisible.

Sometimes we may not even realize we're grieving. Frequently I see a look of shock and then recognition pass across a patient's face when I say to them "you're grieving". They had never thought of their feelings in that way. One of the hardest types of grief is "invisible grief" - grief that is not obvious to the world around us, or even ourselves at times.  We may feel invisible grief about children getting older, friendships ending or changing, losing contact with a family member, divorce, shifting relationships within a marriage, facing an illness or disability within ourselves or a loved one, giving up a goal or dream, even graduating or getting promoted - any ending or loss that is not visible to the rest of the world.

Grief comes in 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness/Depression and eventually Acceptance (Elisabeth Kubler Ross).

These stages are not linear - we can pass through them in no particular order and revisit them as many times as needed to heal the loss.

When we have visible losses, our communities often come forward to ease the pain and help us feel cared for. With invisible grief, we don't get this type of support or acknowledgment and it can make us feel confused, lost, misunderstood, etc. 
Isolation is very common and can compound our grief and emotional distress.


If you are experiencing invisible grief:

• give yourself validation that your loss is real and you are doing the very hard work of coming to peace with it
• Be gentle with yourself and seek support where you can.  
• Create a brief statement that might help others understand what you're experiencing and what you need from them, such as: "I'm going through a difficult time with something important that has changed in my life. The best way you could be there for me would be to understand that I might need some space and/or support while I go through this. If it's ok with you, I'd like to let you know what I need as I work through this".

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

A fascinating thing happened to me the other day, something that's probably also happened to you.  Someone decided they were angry with me for something I did, but the funny thing is, I didn't do what they thought, not even close.

No matter what I said, or how I tried to explain to the woman that she got it wrong, she was certain she knew what I really said or did and nothing would convince her otherwise. After several friendly attempts at clearing up the misunderstanding, I gave up.  Confused, frustrated and a little sad for her, I realized that she was just like Lee.  

Lee is a story I read often to my clients:

Lee thought that everyone at work hated him. One day, a new employee approached him in the cafeteria and asked to sit down. The woman tried to be friendly and make conversation, but Lee was more engaged in the conversation in his own head than the one he was having with the woman.

“She’s probably just stuck up like the rest of them,” he thought. “It’s probably just a joke someone else put her up to.” From the moment the woman sat down and tried to talk with him, Lee became angrier and more suspicious. 

The woman did her best to make small talk, but Lee was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to recognize her friendliness. After five minutes of unsuccessful trying the woman moved to different table, and Lee congratulated himself. “I knew it,” he thought, “I knew she wasn’t really interested in me.”  Lee’s insecurities and had cost him another opportunity to meet a potential friend.*

Chances are you have met a "Lee" in your life. The important thing to remember in dealing with such a person is to not take anything they say or do personally (click here for more on this).  Easier said than done, especially if "Lee" is your spouse, partner, friend or anyone who knows you well. Remember that Lee is more interested in the story in his/her own head than what's actually going on or who you really are.

There is also a good possibility that you have been "Lee" at some point. We tend to expect certain treatment from others and we do a good job "proving" ourselves right. However, we may have a distorted view of the world. If you find yourself often feeling mistreated, criticized, lied to, excluded, unwanted, etc., you may want to investigate the possibility that you're being like Lee and telling yourself stories rather than listening to the world around you.

*The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook; McKay, Wood, Brantley; 2007

Are You Guilty?

Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling that most people will try hard to avoid.  However, a wise colleague of mine once explained that guilt may not always be a bad thing:

"When the choice is between guilt or resentment, guilt is the healthier option."
.
Guilt is a sign that you are meeting your needs, as opposed to someone else's, and you feel some guilt about doing so.
Resentment is the opposite of guilt - it indicates that you are taking care of other peoples' needs at the expense of your own. This breeds resentment.

It is much better to choose guilt than resentment for two important reasons:
1) to acknowledge and meet your needs whenever it is possible and healthy to do so
2) to salvage your relationships - once you start resenting someone, the relationship is at high risk for ending.

Right now, in the midst of the holiday season where there is a lot of pressure and expectations put upon us, see if this applies to you and if you can allow yourself to meet your own needs rather than dismiss them.  Guilt is uncomfortable, but resentment is often much worse.

Whose Fault Is It?

Figuring out whose fault something is makes us feel better....or so we think.

Blame doesn't make things better, it corrodes our relationships and prevents us from fixing what's wrong.  So why do we keep doing it?

There are two reasons people like to place blame, Dr. Brene Brown, research professor, explains in her video.  

The first reason is that blaming someone releases our anger and give us back a sense of control. Pointing the finger at someone can quickly make us think we feel better. However, this is a false sense of improvement.

The second reason people blame is to avoid accountability. Accountability requires several things from us: we have to share our feelings, engage in a conversation about those feelings, and we have to look at our own contribution to the situation. As Brown explains, "people who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to hold people accountable". It's much easier to point a finger at someone else and release some anger, but this comes with a price.

When we blame rather than discuss our feelings we shut down the opportunity to be understood and to understand others. We deepen our sense of feeling mistreated and misunderstood and we actually perpetuate the issue at hand and increase the conflict and stress in our lives.

The next time you find yourself pointing a finger at someone as the cause of your stress, try instead to tell them what's making you feel angry or hurt. This may feel uncomfortable and vulnerable; however, ironically, it is when we become most vulnerable that we have the potential to become stronger and improve our relationships and lives.

The Scary Road To Happiness?

A week ago, Robin Williams' daughter Zelda Williams acknowledged the anniversary of her father's death on her instagram page by writing about her own grief and journey towards healing. Something she wrote stuck with me, it's a mistake I see people struggling with every day: she said "avoiding fear, sadness or anger is not the same thing as being happy".

Many people think that if they feel uncomfortable, something must be wrong and they should run from whatever is causing these feelings. This is a serious error.  Yes, we all want to feel happy, but thinking you will attain that by running from discomfort will actually create the opposite. In the simplest of cases, we will delay our healing process; in the worst cases we can find ourselves addicted to distractions and false sources of feeling good (drugs, food, relationships, drama, work, gambling, etc).

It is through spending time with our fear, sadness and anger that we learn about ourselves, about what we value and need; we develop compassion for ourselves and others, and we heal.  Then we find true happiness that is based upon inner peace, love and acceptance. It's not easy to face the things that make us uncomfortable, but rarely do we gain anything worthwhile without signigicant effort. Being happy takes courage and hard work.

Feels So Personal

Don't take things personally. Easier said than done.

When we know that someone's behavior has nothing to do with us, it's easier not to take it personally: our significant other comes home upset after a bad day at work and is grouchy; our teenage kid is embarrassed when we try to hold their hand in public; etc. It's much harder to avoid taking things personally when we don't know the reason behind someone's behavior - or even worse, when the behavior seems to be about us.

Here's a secret...most of the time (almost ALWAYS), it's not really about us, even when it seems like it is. The way people treat us often has very little to do with who we are, and much more to do with who they are. If someone is rude or hurtful to you, attacks or criticizes you, abandons or betrays you it is not necessarily because you deserved it but, more likely, it's because that is how that person chooses to see you and the rest of the world around them.

I see people struggling with this every day. They have a very difficult time understanding why someone broke up with them, cheated on them, ended a friendship, abandoned them, etc, and they search endlessly to identify what they did to bring on that type of treatment. The truth is that they probably did very little. The person who hurt them likely behaves that way with many people.  

If you're upset by someone's treatment of you, instead of taking it personally, try to see it as a reflection of how they feel about themselves and the world around them (read more about this here). Most likely you are just one in a long line of people they've been treating that way.