Want Happy Kids?

As the school year starts, so do many anxieties. It's normal for kids, from kindergarten all the way through college, to worry about liking their teachers and classmates, having friends and feeling good about themselves through the school year - and it's normal for parents to worry about these things for their children too.  We want our children to be happy and we can find ourselves desperately trying to ease their troubles. However, that is the wrong approach.

If we truly want our children be happy, we need to shift our perspective.

Several years ago, when struggling with a parenting issue of my own, a  dear colleague and wise mentor of mine, Andrea Quatrale, LCSWR, said to me "our job as parents isn't to make our children happy; our job is to teach them how to cope."  This subtle but important advice changes almost everything.

True happiness comes from a sense of trust in ourselves, knowing that we will make good choices and handle life's challenges successfully.  As parents, we need to help our children build the skills to do that.

Instead, if we try to remove every obstacle and give our kids everything they want we are teaching them that happiness comes from getting their way, to expect the world to make them happy and we are creating a sense of entitlement.  We are also giving them a subtle but strong message that we don't believe they can handle problems or disappointments themselves, that they need us to step in and smooth everything out for them.

Without realizing it, well-meaning parents can easily instill in their children a sense of inadequacy, ineffectiveness, self-centeredness and deny them the opportunity to find the happiness and peace we want them to have.

The best way to help our children is to teach them good coping skills.  If they can develop self discipline, tolerate frustration, wait their turn, deal with disappointment, accept their consequences, find solutions to challenges and problems, and most importantly, know how to work hard for something they really want, they will be well-equiped for life and the many challenges that are sure to lie ahead of them.

It goes without saying that safety is always a priority. Children should never be endangered or made to feel alone in their troubles. Within reason, begin teaching your kids some coping skills....set limits, let your kids be bored, say "no", put your own needs and wants first sometimes, let them make choices and deal with the consequences. They will be stronger, believe in themselves and feel ready to deal with life.

Are You Trustworthy??

Good relationships are one of the most important aspects to a peaceful, happy life. One ingredient essential for this is trust.

Trust is defined as: 
"Something important to me is safe with you"  
- Brene Brown, researcher and scholar 

(See her full video here  http://www.supersoul.tv/supersoul-sessions/the-anatomy-of-trust)

Trust doesn't happen by accident. So how do we create trust?

It starts by recognizing what is important to the other person, NOT what you think is/should be important to them.This recognition needs to occur repeatedly and consistently, in large ways, but also in small ways: "Trust is built in the smallest of moments"-John Gottman (https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/).

Defending a friend or being there in a crisis are important, but so are the smaller things like noticing when someone is upset and taking the time to ask them about it, remembering and recognizing important accomplishments or just knowing the way they like their coffee, etc.

Another important part of trust-building is asking for help. Some people are great at helping everyone; that's not enough. Asking for help is critical because it demonstrates a willingness to be vulnerable, a belief in the other person and it shows that you don't judge people for having needs.

Brown describes 7 components to building trust:

1) Boundaries: Be clear about your boundaries and mine, and respect them. Always.

2) Reliability:  Do what you say you're going to do - over and over and over.
It's important to be clear about your own limitations so you don't overextend yourself and make commitments you can't keep (ex: "sure, I'll help you move", or "let's do lunch"). While these casual commitments seem harmless, when they're insincere they erode trust.

3) Accountability: Accept responsibility when you hurt someone, (intentionally or accidentally), apologize and do whatever is necessary to make things right. Equally important is allowing others to apologize, take responsibility for their errors and make things right; in other words - do not hold a grudge.

4) The Vault: What you share with me I will keep in confidence. ALSO - I will not tell you information about other people, in other words - no gossiping.  When we break the vault by sharing other peoples' confidential information, our friends know we may do it to them too.

5) Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort, over what is fun, fast or easy; practicing your values.

6) Non-Judgement: I can be struggling with something and not be judged by you; and I offer the same to you.

7) Generosity: If someone hurts or offends you, do not assume they did it intentionally. Assume the most generous thing about the other person's intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt.

If you would like your relationships (both personal and professional) to be as healthy and fulfilling as possible, consider these factors and explore how well you follow them. Likewise, allow yourself distance from others who don't consistently demonstrate trustworthy behaviors towards you.

Invisible Grief?

I see people all the time who are grieving but don't know it.  There are times when our grief is obvious - mostly when we've lost a loved one or suffered a tragedy, but grief comes in many ways and is often invisible.

Sometimes we may not even realize we're grieving. Frequently I see a look of shock and then recognition pass across a patient's face when I say to them "you're grieving". They had never thought of their feelings in that way. One of the hardest types of grief is "invisible grief" - grief that is not obvious to the world around us, or even ourselves at times.  We may feel invisible grief about children getting older, friendships ending or changing, losing contact with a family member, divorce, shifting relationships within a marriage, facing an illness or disability within ourselves or a loved one, giving up a goal or dream, even graduating or getting promoted - any ending or loss that is not visible to the rest of the world.

Grief comes in 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness/Depression and eventually Acceptance (Elisabeth Kubler Ross).

These stages are not linear - we can pass through them in no particular order and revisit them as many times as needed to heal the loss.

When we have visible losses, our communities often come forward to ease the pain and help us feel cared for. With invisible grief, we don't get this type of support or acknowledgment and it can make us feel confused, lost, misunderstood, etc. 
Isolation is very common and can compound our grief and emotional distress.


If you are experiencing invisible grief:

• give yourself validation that your loss is real and you are doing the very hard work of coming to peace with it
• Be gentle with yourself and seek support where you can.  
• Create a brief statement that might help others understand what you're experiencing and what you need from them, such as: "I'm going through a difficult time with something important that has changed in my life. The best way you could be there for me would be to understand that I might need some space and/or support while I go through this. If it's ok with you, I'd like to let you know what I need as I work through this".

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

A fascinating thing happened to me the other day, something that's probably also happened to you.  Someone decided they were angry with me for something I did, but the funny thing is, I didn't do what they thought, not even close.

No matter what I said, or how I tried to explain to the woman that she got it wrong, she was certain she knew what I really said or did and nothing would convince her otherwise. After several friendly attempts at clearing up the misunderstanding, I gave up.  Confused, frustrated and a little sad for her, I realized that she was just like Lee.  

Lee is a story I read often to my clients:

Lee thought that everyone at work hated him. One day, a new employee approached him in the cafeteria and asked to sit down. The woman tried to be friendly and make conversation, but Lee was more engaged in the conversation in his own head than the one he was having with the woman.

“She’s probably just stuck up like the rest of them,” he thought. “It’s probably just a joke someone else put her up to.” From the moment the woman sat down and tried to talk with him, Lee became angrier and more suspicious. 

The woman did her best to make small talk, but Lee was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to recognize her friendliness. After five minutes of unsuccessful trying the woman moved to different table, and Lee congratulated himself. “I knew it,” he thought, “I knew she wasn’t really interested in me.”  Lee’s insecurities and had cost him another opportunity to meet a potential friend.*

Chances are you have met a "Lee" in your life. The important thing to remember in dealing with such a person is to not take anything they say or do personally (click here for more on this).  Easier said than done, especially if "Lee" is your spouse, partner, friend or anyone who knows you well. Remember that Lee is more interested in the story in his/her own head than what's actually going on or who you really are.

There is also a good possibility that you have been "Lee" at some point. We tend to expect certain treatment from others and we do a good job "proving" ourselves right. However, we may have a distorted view of the world. If you find yourself often feeling mistreated, criticized, lied to, excluded, unwanted, etc., you may want to investigate the possibility that you're being like Lee and telling yourself stories rather than listening to the world around you.

*The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook; McKay, Wood, Brantley; 2007