Feels So Personal

Don't take things personally. Easier said than done.

When we know that someone's behavior has nothing to do with us, it's easier not to take it personally: our significant other comes home upset after a bad day at work and is grouchy; our teenage kid is embarrassed when we try to hold their hand in public; etc. It's much harder to avoid taking things personally when we don't know the reason behind someone's behavior - or even worse, when the behavior seems to be about us.

Here's a secret...most of the time (almost ALWAYS), it's not really about us, even when it seems like it is. The way people treat us often has very little to do with who we are, and much more to do with who they are. If someone is rude or hurtful to you, attacks or criticizes you, abandons or betrays you it is not necessarily because you deserved it but, more likely, it's because that is how that person chooses to see you and the rest of the world around them.

I see people struggling with this every day. They have a very difficult time understanding why someone broke up with them, cheated on them, ended a friendship, abandoned them, etc, and they search endlessly to identify what they did to bring on that type of treatment. The truth is that they probably did very little. The person who hurt them likely behaves that way with many people.  

If you're upset by someone's treatment of you, instead of taking it personally, try to see it as a reflection of how they feel about themselves and the world around them (read more about this here). Most likely you are just one in a long line of people they've been treating that way.

Happiness is Hard

Happiness is hard work. It's not something you'll find by waiting for it to come to you.

Most people think of happiness as getting what they want, but it's not so simple; happiness comes when you work hard for it. Sometimes you may stumble across something that happens to make you happy, but that is just luck.

Think of something in your life that prevents you from being happy. Now think of how you'd like that situation to be instead. Getting to that better place is going to take some work, and probably some courage too.

The first step towards happiness is the belief that you are a good person and deserve be happy. That's the first hurdle for many people - believing they deserve to feel good.

Next, happiness comes from taking a good, honest look at a situation and finding your role in your unhappiness. This is the hardest part for most people - facing their own shortcomings and realizing that they are responsible in some way for the very things they struggle with (see Don't Be a Victim).

Now that you've identified your part in your own unhappiness, working hard at making changes (ending an unhealthy friendship/relationship, saying "no", breaking an addiction, asking for what you need, eating better, etc.) is the only way those changes are going to come.

The final piece is letting go, and this is a tough one for many people too. Holding on to anger, fear or limitations will keep you from attaining happiness. Sometimes letting go is scary or feels like we've lost a battle; learning to find peace with letting go is important.

One of my favorite quotes is from Randy Pausch in The Last Lecture: he says "brick walls aren't there to keep you out; they are there to show you how badly you want something".  Getting over a brick wall takes work and courage, if you want it you'll climb that wall no matter how hard.

Don't Be A Victim

We all want to be happy. The desire for happiness drives most of our choices and behaviors: where we work, who we socialize with, who we date or marry, how we spend our free time. Sometimes we go to extremes - surgeries, lifestyle changes, severing relationships, etc.  However, there is one factor that is often overlooked and may be one of the most important components in feeling happy: having a victim-mindset. If you, or someone you know, lives this way, it may be preventing you from the very happiness you're seeking.

Victim-mindset people are very focused on what other people are saying and doing; they rarely focus on what they are doing to create or perpetuate a situation. They often feel angry, hurt, betrayed by the world and justified in those feelings. They may complain repeatedly about all the ways they've been mistreated, or they may retreat and isolate themselves from the world, feeling justified in doing either. They don't understand how to take responsibility for the circumstances in their lives. 

There are small ways we get victimized (getting on the wrong line at the supermarket or getting stuck behind someone driving slowly) and big ways, such as being assaulted, betrayed or robbed. We can't control all situations, but how we choose to experience and respond to them determines how powerless (victimized) or empowered we feel, which will affect how much peace and happiness we have.

Why give someone else the power to affect your emotions, thoughts and actions? You may not have been able to do anything about what happened to you, but you can decide how you want to move forward. As soon as you stop focusing on others and start taking ownership for whatever situation you're in - even if you feel certain someone else is to blame - you will begin to have more peace and, eventually, more happiness. 

What actions and choices can you make to reclaim your sense of peace and power? How can you take back what was taken from you and refocus on yourself and your own goals? Sometimes it means taking action, sometimes it means simply letting go of the past and choosing to move forward.

Do you recognize yourself or someone else in these descriptions?  If so, appreciate your courage at facing something uncomfortable and taking steps towards become happier.

The Gift of "No"

Here we are in the full swing of the holiday season: parties, gatherings, shopping, gift giving, list making, work events, childrens' school concerts --  the list goes on and on. The expectations and pressure can be daunting, to say the least. We are asked to show up, contribute, host, travel, spend money, navigate traffic and crowded stores, bake/cook, clean, etc, all while being festive and cheerful.

Ask yourself how many holiday-related activities you're participating in out of obligation, and what is the emotional or physical price you're paying for doing so? Are you feeling stressed, anxious, overwhelmed and/or resentful? Perhaps you're short-tempered and missing out on things that really matter to you, or maybe you're tolerating the company of others who don't treat you kindly. 

What would your ideal, peaceful holiday season be like, and how close can you come to attaining that? What things are important to you, and what things would you like to say "no" to? Many people find it difficult to say "no" and feel that doing so is selfish and will upset someone. Did you learn somewhere that saying "no" and setting limits is not allowed? If so, the lesson you really learned is that you and your needs are less important than others' needs. 

The spirit of the holiday season is about love, sharing, connecting with loved ones and finding peace. Are you giving yourself those gifts? If not, perhaps you can give yourself the gift of "no", and by doing so, truly enjoy the things you say "yes" to.

Past, Present or Future? Coping With Anxiety Part 4

No one likes anxiety. People come to my office all day looking for ways to decrease anxiety; yet there's one thing guaranteed to cause anxiety and we all do it all the time: thinking about the future or the past.

It is one of the most sure-fired ways to elevate your anxiety, sometimes to the point of a panic attack, and people do it all day long.

When thinking about the past we are almost always either reviewing negative events we wish had gone differently, remembering mistakes we made, or recalling something we used to have that we don't have anymore. When we think about the future, again we are usually worrying about something bad happening, or wishing for something positive to happen. Here's the problem: we are powerless in both the past and the future - they are memories and fantasies which we can do nothing to change. All our power lies in the present moment.

So what do we do to decrease anxiety? We can't take any action in the past or the future: they are just memories or fantasies. However, we can take action in the present, and taking action is what decreases our anxiety and increases our feelings of being empowered. When you find your mind going into the past or future, come back to the present. Reorient yourself by focusing on your breath, noticing where  you are, who is around you and what's going on. Then, ask yourself what you need right now in order to feel more empowered and peaceful.

Coping With Anxiety, part 3: Feeling Powerless

Powerlessness is another common cause of anxiety.  When we feel trapped or stuck in a situation we're unable to change, our fight-or-flight kicks in and we start to panic. However, our feelings of powerlessness are often an illusion; we probably have much more power than we think, we may just need to see things differently. While we may not be able to change the circumstances of a situation, we can usually change the way we respond to or handle it.

One very common cause of feeling powerless is actually a learned behavior: not speaking up for yourself. How often do you say yes when you want to say no, tolerate being mistreated or being dismissed; or perhaps you have needs that you don't allow yourself to meet because someone might judge, reject or shame you in some way? Holding in such strong feelings causes emotional pain which leads to anxiety.

The next time you feel anxious or powerless, instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on what action you can take to empower yourself and change the situation. Ask yourself if there is something you want to express that you're not allowing yourself to say, and see if you can speak up. There is great empowerment and peace that can be gained by expressing your feelings and needs.

Click here for Coping With Anxiety, part 1 and Coping With Anxiety, part 2

"Are We There Yet?" Coping With Anxiety, Part 2

It's our second day at sea and I'm sitting on the deck of the Celebrity Summit cruise ship as we make our way from New York to Bermuda.  With nothing around but ocean on every side and not much to do but relax and anticipate Bermuda, I think how upsetting it would be if, half-way there, the captain made an announcement: "Sorry everyone, we've been sailing towards Bermuda for two days but we didn't make it yet.  I've looked around, since we are still at sea, clearly this journey has been a failure. I don't have what it takes to get us there, I'm sorry. We will go back to New York now. We tried. Oh well."

Bizarre, right?  It would be even more upsetting if, after resting in New York for a while, the captain tried it again, this time determined to make it, and again stopped half-way there, proclaimed the trip a failure for not being in Bermuda yet and, once again, returned to New York without ever arriving in Bermuda.

It goes without saying that this fictitious captain gave up too soon. If he had just stayed the course one more day we all would have arrived happily in Bermuda. Yet this is what many people do every day.  They set goals: career, health, educational, fitness, relationship, etc, they put forth good effort and start making some progress; however, instead of focusing on how far they've come and what they've achieved, they focus on where they're not, proclaim themselves a failure and give up. In addition to frustration or loss, this creates a feeling of hopelessness, powerlessness and anxiety.

The next time you are feeling anxious or hopeless about accomplishing your goals, see if you are doing what my fictional captain did - disregarding your accomplishments, however big or small they are, and giving up too soon.  Instead, see if you can shift your focus to how far you have come, what you have accomplished and push forward for one more day. Focusing on your strengths and what you've accomplished will empower you and reduce your anxiety.

See "Coping With Anxiety, Part 1" and "Coping With Anxiety, Part 3"