We all want to be happy. The desire for happiness drives most of our choices and behaviors: where we work, who we socialize with, who we date or marry, how we spend our free time. Sometimes we go to extremes - surgeries, lifestyle changes, severing relationships, etc. However, there is one factor that is often overlooked and may be one of the most important components in feeling happy: having a victim-mindset. If you, or someone you know, lives this way, it may be preventing you from the very happiness you're seeking.
Victim-mindset people are very focused on what other people are saying and doing; they rarely focus on what they are doing to create or perpetuate a situation. They often feel angry, hurt, betrayed by the world and justified in those feelings. They may complain repeatedly about all the ways they've been mistreated, or they may retreat and isolate themselves from the world, feeling justified in doing either. They don't understand how to take responsibility for the circumstances in their lives.
There are small ways we get victimized (getting on the wrong line at the supermarket or getting stuck behind someone driving slowly) and big ways, such as being assaulted, betrayed or robbed. We can't control all situations, but how we choose to experience and respond to them determines how powerless (victimized) or empowered we feel, which will affect how much peace and happiness we have.
Why give someone else the power to affect your emotions, thoughts and actions? You may not have been able to do anything about what happened to you, but you can decide how you want to move forward. As soon as you stop focusing on others and start taking ownership for whatever situation you're in - even if you feel certain someone else is to blame - you will begin to have more peace and, eventually, more happiness.
What actions and choices can you make to reclaim your sense of peace and power? How can you take back what was taken from you and refocus on yourself and your own goals? Sometimes it means taking action, sometimes it means simply letting go of the past and choosing to move forward.
Do you recognize yourself or someone else in these descriptions? If so, appreciate your courage at facing something uncomfortable and taking steps towards become happier.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Friday, December 12, 2014
The Gift of "No"
Here we are in the full swing of the holiday season: parties, gatherings, shopping, gift giving, list making, work events, childrens' school concerts -- the list goes on and on. The expectations and pressure can be daunting, to say the least. We are asked to show up, contribute, host, travel, spend money, navigate traffic and crowded stores, bake/cook, clean, etc, all while being festive and cheerful.
Ask yourself how many holiday-related activities you're participating in out of obligation, and what is the emotional or physical price you're paying for doing so? Are you feeling stressed, anxious, overwhelmed and/or resentful? Perhaps you're short-tempered and missing out on things that really matter to you, or maybe you're tolerating the company of others who don't treat you kindly.
What would your ideal, peaceful holiday season be like, and how close can you come to attaining that? What things are important to you, and what things would you like to say "no" to? Many people find it difficult to say "no" and feel that doing so is selfish and will upset someone. Did you learn somewhere that saying "no" and setting limits is not allowed? If so, the lesson you really learned is that you and your needs are less important than others' needs.
The spirit of the holiday season is about love, sharing, connecting with loved ones and finding peace. Are you giving yourself those gifts? If not, perhaps you can give yourself the gift of "no", and by doing so, truly enjoy the things you say "yes" to.
Ask yourself how many holiday-related activities you're participating in out of obligation, and what is the emotional or physical price you're paying for doing so? Are you feeling stressed, anxious, overwhelmed and/or resentful? Perhaps you're short-tempered and missing out on things that really matter to you, or maybe you're tolerating the company of others who don't treat you kindly.
What would your ideal, peaceful holiday season be like, and how close can you come to attaining that? What things are important to you, and what things would you like to say "no" to? Many people find it difficult to say "no" and feel that doing so is selfish and will upset someone. Did you learn somewhere that saying "no" and setting limits is not allowed? If so, the lesson you really learned is that you and your needs are less important than others' needs.
The spirit of the holiday season is about love, sharing, connecting with loved ones and finding peace. Are you giving yourself those gifts? If not, perhaps you can give yourself the gift of "no", and by doing so, truly enjoy the things you say "yes" to.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Past, Present or Future? Coping With Anxiety Part 4
No one likes anxiety. People come to my office all day looking for ways to decrease anxiety; yet there's one thing guaranteed to cause anxiety and we all do it all the time: thinking about the future or the past.
It is one of the most sure-fired ways to elevate your anxiety, sometimes to the point of a panic attack, and people do it all day long.
It is one of the most sure-fired ways to elevate your anxiety, sometimes to the point of a panic attack, and people do it all day long.
When thinking about the past we are almost always either reviewing negative events we wish had gone differently, remembering mistakes we made, or recalling something we used to have that we don't have anymore. When we think about the future, again we are usually worrying about something bad happening, or wishing for something positive to happen. Here's the problem: we are powerless in both the past and the future - they are memories and fantasies which we can do nothing to change. All our power lies in the present moment.
So what do we do to decrease anxiety? We can't take any action in the past or the future: they are just memories or fantasies. However, we can take action in the present, and taking action is what decreases our anxiety and increases our feelings of being empowered. When you find your mind going into the past or future, come back to the present. Reorient yourself by focusing on your breath, noticing where you are, who is around you and what's going on. Then, ask yourself what you need right now in order to feel more empowered and peaceful.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Coping With Anxiety, part 3: Feeling Powerless
Powerlessness is another common cause of anxiety. When we feel trapped or stuck in a situation we're unable to change, our fight-or-flight kicks in and we start to panic. However, our feelings of powerlessness are often an illusion; we probably have much more power than we think, we may just need to see things differently. While we may not be able to change the circumstances of a situation, we can usually change the way we respond to or handle it.
One very common cause of feeling powerless is actually a learned behavior: not speaking up for yourself. How often do you say yes when you want to say no, tolerate being mistreated or being dismissed; or perhaps you have needs that you don't allow yourself to meet because someone might judge, reject or shame you in some way? Holding in such strong feelings causes emotional pain which leads to anxiety.
The next time you feel anxious or powerless, instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on what action you can take to empower yourself and change the situation. Ask yourself if there is something you want to express that you're not allowing yourself to say, and see if you can speak up. There is great empowerment and peace that can be gained by expressing your feelings and needs.
Click here for Coping With Anxiety, part 1 and Coping With Anxiety, part 2
One very common cause of feeling powerless is actually a learned behavior: not speaking up for yourself. How often do you say yes when you want to say no, tolerate being mistreated or being dismissed; or perhaps you have needs that you don't allow yourself to meet because someone might judge, reject or shame you in some way? Holding in such strong feelings causes emotional pain which leads to anxiety.
The next time you feel anxious or powerless, instead of focusing on what you can't do, focus on what action you can take to empower yourself and change the situation. Ask yourself if there is something you want to express that you're not allowing yourself to say, and see if you can speak up. There is great empowerment and peace that can be gained by expressing your feelings and needs.
Click here for Coping With Anxiety, part 1 and Coping With Anxiety, part 2
Sunday, August 17, 2014
"Are We There Yet?" Coping With Anxiety, Part 2
It's our second day at sea and I'm sitting on the deck of the Celebrity Summit cruise ship as we make our way from New York to Bermuda. With nothing around but ocean on every side and not much to do but relax and anticipate Bermuda, I think how upsetting it would be if, half-way there, the captain made an announcement: "Sorry everyone, we've been sailing towards Bermuda for two days but we didn't make it yet. I've looked around, since we are still at sea, clearly this journey has been a failure. I don't have what it takes to get us there, I'm sorry. We will go back to New York now. We tried. Oh well."
Bizarre, right? It would be even more upsetting if, after resting in New York for a while, the captain tried it again, this time determined to make it, and again stopped half-way there, proclaimed the trip a failure for not being in Bermuda yet and, once again, returned to New York without ever arriving in Bermuda.
It goes without saying that this fictitious captain gave up too soon. If he had just stayed the course one more day we all would have arrived happily in Bermuda. Yet this is what many people do every day. They set goals: career, health, educational, fitness, relationship, etc, they put forth good effort and start making some progress; however, instead of focusing on how far they've come and what they've achieved, they focus on where they're not, proclaim themselves a failure and give up. In addition to frustration or loss, this creates a feeling of hopelessness, powerlessness and anxiety.
The next time you are feeling anxious or hopeless about accomplishing your goals, see if you are doing what my fictional captain did - disregarding your accomplishments, however big or small they are, and giving up too soon. Instead, see if you can shift your focus to how far you have come, what you have accomplished and push forward for one more day. Focusing on your strengths and what you've accomplished will empower you and reduce your anxiety.
See "Coping With Anxiety, Part 1" and "Coping With Anxiety, Part 3"
Bizarre, right? It would be even more upsetting if, after resting in New York for a while, the captain tried it again, this time determined to make it, and again stopped half-way there, proclaimed the trip a failure for not being in Bermuda yet and, once again, returned to New York without ever arriving in Bermuda.
It goes without saying that this fictitious captain gave up too soon. If he had just stayed the course one more day we all would have arrived happily in Bermuda. Yet this is what many people do every day. They set goals: career, health, educational, fitness, relationship, etc, they put forth good effort and start making some progress; however, instead of focusing on how far they've come and what they've achieved, they focus on where they're not, proclaim themselves a failure and give up. In addition to frustration or loss, this creates a feeling of hopelessness, powerlessness and anxiety.
The next time you are feeling anxious or hopeless about accomplishing your goals, see if you are doing what my fictional captain did - disregarding your accomplishments, however big or small they are, and giving up too soon. Instead, see if you can shift your focus to how far you have come, what you have accomplished and push forward for one more day. Focusing on your strengths and what you've accomplished will empower you and reduce your anxiety.
See "Coping With Anxiety, Part 1" and "Coping With Anxiety, Part 3"
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Feeling So Anxious
Anyone who has experienced anxiety or a panic attack knows how painful and torturous it can be. Trying to control or eliminate anxiety often feels frustrating and almost impossible, but anxiety is actually highly responsive to treatment.
One very effective way to counter anxiety is to become aware of the possibility that your mind may be overreacting to situations. In other words, you may be responding to a situation as if it's a "10" (on a scale of 1-10) when it is really only a "1, 2 or 3".
Example: Running late for an event creates a feeling of anxiety,panic and a response as if the situation is a "9 or 10". However, exploring the likely outcome of running late reveals that the situation does not truly warrant such a high stress-level response. "1 or 2" is a much more accurate level of stress in most instances of running late.
Overreacting can be a habit. Emotionally painful experiences in the past can create overreaction as a default setting to any stressor. With awareness and some simple techinques, these habits can be changed to create an increased sense of peace.
The next time you feel panicked or anxious ask yourself if you are overreacting and see if the situation truly deserves a highly intense response.
See "Coping With Anxiety, Part 2" and "Coping With Anxiety, Part 3"
One very effective way to counter anxiety is to become aware of the possibility that your mind may be overreacting to situations. In other words, you may be responding to a situation as if it's a "10" (on a scale of 1-10) when it is really only a "1, 2 or 3".
Example: Running late for an event creates a feeling of anxiety,panic and a response as if the situation is a "9 or 10". However, exploring the likely outcome of running late reveals that the situation does not truly warrant such a high stress-level response. "1 or 2" is a much more accurate level of stress in most instances of running late.
Overreacting can be a habit. Emotionally painful experiences in the past can create overreaction as a default setting to any stressor. With awareness and some simple techinques, these habits can be changed to create an increased sense of peace.
The next time you feel panicked or anxious ask yourself if you are overreacting and see if the situation truly deserves a highly intense response.
See "Coping With Anxiety, Part 2" and "Coping With Anxiety, Part 3"
Sunday, April 6, 2014
You Have The Right To... :Part 2
In my last blog I shared your 14 Legitimate Rights (McKay, Wood, Brantley; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook;2007). As I said then, these create a strong reaction in just about everyone who reads them. Click here to read that blog post.
The second part which goes hand-in-hand with these 14 rights are the 8 Aversive Strategies, which also tend to strike a strong cord in people. These strategies are common behaviors people use when relating to others; unfortunately, they are very damaging to relationships. Read through the list and see if they describe ways you've been treated. There's also a good chance you may recognize some of your own behavior.
8 Aversive Strategies (McKay, Wood, Brantley; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook;2007):
1. Discounting: The message to other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid and don't have legitimacy or importance.
2. Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is Do what I want or I'm leaving. The fear of abandonment is so powerful that many people will give up a great deal to avoid it.
3. Threatening: The message here is Do what I want or I'll hurt you. The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person's life miserable. An example: OK, I won't ask you to help me again. Maybe I'll ask someone else.
4. Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person's fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it.
5. Belittling/denigrating: The strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish and wrong to have a particular need, opinion or feeling.
6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that they other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and need to be given up. Example: If you don't trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship.
7. Derailing: This strategy switches attention away from the other person's feelings and needs. The idea is to stop talking about them and instead talk about yourself. Example: I don't care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt.
8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something they said, did or wanted. Example: John said I"m not really in the mood for hiking, it's boring, after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera he wanted.
These 8 techniques push people away because they use fear, shame or hurtful psychological pressure to influence others. They are common techniques and chances are good that you've been both the recipient of these as well as used them yourself. People learn these behaviors while growing up and use them when they don't know any other way of getting their needs met or when they don't trust that others will meet their needs.
If you find yourself using these aversive strategies, notice what effect they have on your relationships. You may get your intended result initially but most likely the relationship becomes damaged over time. The best way to stop using aversive strategies is to watch your behavior closely and see if you can trust yourself and the other person to meet your emotional needs without having to scare or manipulate them.
If you find that others are using these aversive strategies with you, the best way to deal with such toxic beavior is to stay away from those people. When that's not possible, planning ahead and establishing strong boundaries are essential.
The second part which goes hand-in-hand with these 14 rights are the 8 Aversive Strategies, which also tend to strike a strong cord in people. These strategies are common behaviors people use when relating to others; unfortunately, they are very damaging to relationships. Read through the list and see if they describe ways you've been treated. There's also a good chance you may recognize some of your own behavior.
8 Aversive Strategies (McKay, Wood, Brantley; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook;2007):
1. Discounting: The message to other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid and don't have legitimacy or importance.
2. Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is Do what I want or I'm leaving. The fear of abandonment is so powerful that many people will give up a great deal to avoid it.
3. Threatening: The message here is Do what I want or I'll hurt you. The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person's life miserable. An example: OK, I won't ask you to help me again. Maybe I'll ask someone else.
4. Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person's fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it.
5. Belittling/denigrating: The strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish and wrong to have a particular need, opinion or feeling.
6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that they other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and need to be given up. Example: If you don't trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship.
7. Derailing: This strategy switches attention away from the other person's feelings and needs. The idea is to stop talking about them and instead talk about yourself. Example: I don't care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt.
8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something they said, did or wanted. Example: John said I"m not really in the mood for hiking, it's boring, after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera he wanted.
These 8 techniques push people away because they use fear, shame or hurtful psychological pressure to influence others. They are common techniques and chances are good that you've been both the recipient of these as well as used them yourself. People learn these behaviors while growing up and use them when they don't know any other way of getting their needs met or when they don't trust that others will meet their needs.
If you find yourself using these aversive strategies, notice what effect they have on your relationships. You may get your intended result initially but most likely the relationship becomes damaged over time. The best way to stop using aversive strategies is to watch your behavior closely and see if you can trust yourself and the other person to meet your emotional needs without having to scare or manipulate them.
If you find that others are using these aversive strategies with you, the best way to deal with such toxic beavior is to stay away from those people. When that's not possible, planning ahead and establishing strong boundaries are essential.
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