You Have The Right To... :Part 2

In my last blog I shared your 14 Legitimate Rights (McKay, Wood, Brantley; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook;2007).  As I said then, these create a strong reaction in just about everyone who reads them. Click here to read that blog post.

The second part which goes hand-in-hand with these 14 rights are the 8 Aversive Strategies, which also tend to strike a strong cord in people.  These strategies are common behaviors people use when relating to others; unfortunately, they are very damaging to relationships. Read through the list and see if they describe ways you've been treated.  There's also a good chance you may recognize some of your own behavior.

8 Aversive Strategies (McKay, Wood, Brantley; The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook;2007):

1. Discounting: The message to other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid and don't have legitimacy or importance.

2. Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is Do what I want or I'm leaving.  The fear of abandonment is so powerful that many people will give up a great deal to avoid it.

3. Threatening:  The message here is Do what I want or I'll hurt you.  The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person's life miserable. An example: OK, I won't ask you to help me again. Maybe I'll ask someone else.

4. Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person's fault.  Since they caused it, they have to fix it.

5. Belittling/denigrating: The strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish and wrong to have a particular need, opinion or feeling. 

6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that they other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and need to be given up.  Example: If you don't trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship.

7. Derailing: This strategy switches attention away from the other person's feelings and needs. The idea is to stop talking about them and instead talk about yourself.  Example: I don't care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt.

8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something they said, did or wanted. Example: John said I"m not really in the mood for hiking, it's boring, after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera he wanted. 

These 8 techniques push people away because they use fear, shame or hurtful psychological pressure to influence others.  They are common techniques and chances are good that you've been both the recipient of these as well as used them yourself.  People learn these behaviors while growing up and use them when they don't know any other way of getting their needs met or when they don't trust that others will meet their needs.

If you find yourself using these aversive strategies, notice what effect they have on your relationships.  You may get your intended result initially but most likely the relationship becomes damaged over time.  The best way to stop using aversive strategies is to watch your behavior closely and see if you can trust yourself and the other person to meet your emotional needs without having to scare or manipulate them.

If you find that others are using these aversive strategies with you, the best way to deal with such toxic beavior is to stay away from those people.  When that's not possible, planning ahead and establishing strong boundaries are essential.

You Have The Right To....

Do you know your rights?  Not just your legal rights but, more importantly, your rights as a human being?  Let's find out. 

Do you know that, simply because you exist, your needs and experiences are valid?  It sounds great, but many people don't truly embrace self-acceptance and validation. Below is the list of "Your Legitimate Rights" (McKay, Wood, Brantley).  Recently in my practice, I find myself pulling out this list almost daily to read to patients.  Most people struggle with one or more of these, some are shocked to hear they have such rights, and others are scared to act upon them.

Read through the list and see if any of them cause an emotional reaction in you.  Also, see if you interact with others in ways that support your rights (and theirs), or if you find some of these rights hard to embrace.

1. You have a right to need things from others.
2. You have a right to put yourself first sometimes.
3. You have a right to feel and express your emotions or your pain.
4. You have the right to be the final judge of your beliefs and accept them as legitimate.
5. You have the right to your opinions and convictions.
6. You have the right to your experience - even if it's different from that of other people.
7. You have the right to protest any treatment or criticism that feels bad to you.
8. You have a right to negotiate for change.
9. You have a right to ask for help, emotional support, or anything else you need (even though you may not always get it).
10. You have a right to say no; saying no doesn't make you bad or selfish.
11. You have a right not to jusitfy yourself to others.
12. You have a right not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.
13. You have a right to choose not to respond to a situation.
14. You have a right, sometimes, to inconvenience or disappoint others.

These are basic, human rights that, ideally, you should feel comfortable embracing and acting upon. Living by these legitimate rights is the first step towards safe, meaningful relationships; respecting that others have these same same rights is the second step.

 If you found some of these hard to believe perhaps, at one time in your life, you were taught that your needs and feelings are not valid. 

In my next blog I will share the 8 toxic aversive strategies that destroy relationships and how to handle them.
Note: This blog has been ammended since it was published.  A link to the 8 Aversive Strategies is now available. Click here to read that blog post.


*(The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook; 2007; McKay, Matthew, Ph.D.; Wood, Jeffrey, Psy.D.; Brantley, Jeffrey, MD)

Training Day

Years ago during a workout, my personal trainer told me "you get what you train for".  What did he mean?  Well clearly he was talking about exercise: if you want a strong abdomen then you must train your abs not your biceps; but over the years it's struck me repeatedly how this applies to many aspects of life...You get what you train for.

In a bigger sense, this might apply to your life: Do you approach the world from a positive place, believing in yourself and expecting goodness, or do you have distrust and expect rejection, failure, disappointment or worse? Remember, we get what we train for so, in other words, we get what we expect.

If you expect to fail, be disappointed, lied to and hurt chances are that's what you'll find.  Conversely, if you expect to succeed, be treated kindly and with respect there's a strong possibility you will find that to be true much of the time.

People who tend to be negative and have difficulty trusting were probably hurt at some point.  Maybe their childhood was abusive, perhaps there was addiction in the home, maybe they were betrayed or abandoned.  These are tragedies and I am not one to dismiss or invalidate painful experiences; however, it's the way we approach these events and how we respond afterwards that shape what we're training for.

You can't control the world around you and how other people behave, but you can control your mindset and what you expect from the world.  Ask yourself if there is a particular pattern to how you view the world and anticipate being treated.  Is it generally negative or positive?  Is that the direction you want your life to take?

If you want a more positive life try training for it: see if you can recognize old, destructive patterns of thinking and replace them with more positive ones. Perhaps if you can trust more in yourself and in others you will find that your life becomes happier and more fulfilling.

I Know I'm Right!

How many times have you been in a situation where you know you are right and the other person is wrong? How often do you stay stuck in an argument or feud because of this?

 

 

This happens all the time with our significant others, our children, friends, co-workers, basically anyone in our lives; and it can be maddening when we KNOW we are right but the other person isn't listening - or worse, they just don't care. We often see this in divorces - one person will not let go of a battle no matter what the financial or emotional cost.

 

 

It's always upsetting to be treated unfairly. When we have childhoods or pasts in which we felt dismissed and unimportant, it can be unbearable to be treated unfairly and we can lose sight of our rationality. We can lock ourselves in a battle to the death to prove we are right.

But you need to ask yourself what price your need for justification comes with? Will it lead you to bitterness and anger, alienate you from loved ones and friends, cost you tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, will it cost you your inner peace, sleep and good health?

 

 

Years ago, a mentor of mine said "you can be right, or you can be helpful". Often it comes down to just such a choice, and the people/person you help may be yourself, your children, your significant other, your friends or loved ones. You can let go of the need to be "the right one". Instead, find your validation elsewhere and start the process of building peace in your life.

 

 

The next time you find yourself engaged in a battle to prove you're right, ask yourself if it's worth it. If the price tag includes severing relationships, hostility, collateral damage and high finances, are you willing to pay that price, or can you find a way to let go of being justified and work on re-building the connections that got damaged along the way?

Feeling Desperate?

Desperation. What a horrible feeling. Hopefully not one you have often and yet it may effect you more than you realize.

A recent article I read quoted Sharon Stone talking about women and their desperation to be loved and treated in ways that validate their self-worth. This got me thinking.

I see this type of desperation in people all day long; in not just women, but men as well. Rather than finding their self-worth internally and living from an inner place of self-acceptance and confidence, people chase down positive feelings from the world around them all the time, although they may not realize this is what they’re doing. They seek to feel liked, accepted, lovable, validated, admired, in control, etc. Seeking these external sources of validation and comfort can lead to risky and dangerous behaviors that may sabotage relationships, physical health, self-esteem and career. The more we feel the need for external approval and comfort, the more desperate we become to have it. This becomes a destructive cycle and robs us of our power.

When we feel the desperate need for someone else to like us, approve of us, etc, then we are powerlessly waiting for that to happen. We may try to manipulate things in order to get that approval or validation by pretending to be someone we're not, behaving in attention-seeking ways, being combative to prove a point, risking our health for an unrealistic beauty/weight goal. Sadly, we are still at the mercy of someone else: "I will feel loveable and valuable when so-and-so likes me; or apologizes to me; or pays attention to me"; "I will finally be happy when my significant other/parents/family stop treating me in this way or that; "I will hide my true feelings because others will not like me or will laugh at me if I don't".

Think about the ways in which you may seek validation or positive feelings from others and to what lengths you will go to attain that. Imagine how it would feel to carry a sense of wholeness and completeness within you regardless of what the neighbors, your family or others may say. What external validation would you have to give up in order to feel that type of peace, and is that something you may be ready to do? Perhaps all you need resides inside you— you just need to find it.

 

I'm So Embarassed

A few weeks ago something strange happened.  One of my clients told me he was very impacted by a lecture he watched on TED.  We discussed it and I didn't think much about it after that.  Two days later another client came in talking about a TED talk she watched and how deeply it affected her... it sounded like the same talk.  Curious. The next week, a third client emailed me a link to the very same TED talk.  Clearly it was time to watch it.  What I learned was amazing.

The talk was about shame.  Shame? ick -  who wants to hear about shame?  It turns out, I did; and after reading this, you may also.  See, it turns out that shame is directly and deeply connected to happiness.

The speaker, Brené Brown is a research professor who studies vulnerability, courage and shame.  What she found after ten years of research is that a major difference between people who are happy and successful vs those who aren't is their lack of shame.  Shame is defined as the feeling that "something is wrong with me".  When people feel a sense of shame they are much less likely to take risks.  They experience vulnerability and failure as shameful and they expend large amounts of effort to avoid shame by shutting down and not taking risks or asking for what they need or want.

Alternatively, people who do not feel shameful - or that "something is wrong with me" -  are more willing to take risks, fail, ask for what they want or need.  They may not succeed, they may feel vulnerable, but the difference is that they don't feel shame about it.

Vulnerability is scary, and yet as Brené explains, vulnerability is where greatness comes from.  It requires courage to take a risk: telling someone you love them, saying you're sorry, admitting you made a mistake, asking for a raise, applying for a job, sharing an idea or a wish.  If you feel a sense of shame about yourself you are likely to stop yourself from reaching for something greater.  You may feel you don't deserve it, you aren't entitled to even ask for more and so you may shut yourself down.  The problem is that shutting down hurts - it keeps us from being in true contact with ourselves and others.

Is shame limiting you from greater happiness?  Are you afraid to reach for more because you don't think you deserve it or because the thought of failure is too scary?  If so, try to have compassion for yourself.  See if you can let go of any shame-based self-talk.  Recognize that vulnerability and shame are two different things and you don't have to feel ashamed for being vulnerable.

Here is a link to the TED talk by Brene Brown
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     








                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Running Like A Dog

Words of wisdom can appear anywhere.  Recently, my dog trainer Fred unknowingly shared a wise insight about human behavior while explaining why dogs run away: "They don't run because they are looking for you, they run because they feel anxiety and they are trying to get away from that feeling."

Without knowing it, Fred illustrated a common behavior for people, not just dogs: running from anxiety.  

Running from something is not a good way to make decisions and often brings negative results.  A dog who runs away may get hit by a car or lost; a person who runs from his/her anxiety usually makes poor choices and creates more problems.

The impulse to run comes from the primal fight-or-flight instinct.  Giving yourself a positive release, such as exercise, dance, martial arts, singing, etc. can quell that urge to "do" something and enable you to stay present with your anxiety until you can find a healthy and positive solution.  Constructive distraction techniques can also be effective at taking your focus off the anxiety and feelings of powerlessness.  While it may be more uncomfortable initially, staying with your anxiety rather than running from it (making impulsive decisions) is much more likely to yield a  positive outcome and lasting peace.