I'm So Embarassed

A few weeks ago something strange happened.  One of my clients told me he was very impacted by a lecture he watched on TED.  We discussed it and I didn't think much about it after that.  Two days later another client came in talking about a TED talk she watched and how deeply it affected her... it sounded like the same talk.  Curious. The next week, a third client emailed me a link to the very same TED talk.  Clearly it was time to watch it.  What I learned was amazing.

The talk was about shame.  Shame? ick -  who wants to hear about shame?  It turns out, I did; and after reading this, you may also.  See, it turns out that shame is directly and deeply connected to happiness.

The speaker, Brené Brown is a research professor who studies vulnerability, courage and shame.  What she found after ten years of research is that a major difference between people who are happy and successful vs those who aren't is their lack of shame.  Shame is defined as the feeling that "something is wrong with me".  When people feel a sense of shame they are much less likely to take risks.  They experience vulnerability and failure as shameful and they expend large amounts of effort to avoid shame by shutting down and not taking risks or asking for what they need or want.

Alternatively, people who do not feel shameful - or that "something is wrong with me" -  are more willing to take risks, fail, ask for what they want or need.  They may not succeed, they may feel vulnerable, but the difference is that they don't feel shame about it.

Vulnerability is scary, and yet as Brené explains, vulnerability is where greatness comes from.  It requires courage to take a risk: telling someone you love them, saying you're sorry, admitting you made a mistake, asking for a raise, applying for a job, sharing an idea or a wish.  If you feel a sense of shame about yourself you are likely to stop yourself from reaching for something greater.  You may feel you don't deserve it, you aren't entitled to even ask for more and so you may shut yourself down.  The problem is that shutting down hurts - it keeps us from being in true contact with ourselves and others.

Is shame limiting you from greater happiness?  Are you afraid to reach for more because you don't think you deserve it or because the thought of failure is too scary?  If so, try to have compassion for yourself.  See if you can let go of any shame-based self-talk.  Recognize that vulnerability and shame are two different things and you don't have to feel ashamed for being vulnerable.

Here is a link to the TED talk by Brene Brown
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       


                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     








                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Running Like A Dog

Words of wisdom can appear anywhere.  Recently, my dog trainer Fred unknowingly shared a wise insight about human behavior while explaining why dogs run away: "They don't run because they are looking for you, they run because they feel anxiety and they are trying to get away from that feeling."

Without knowing it, Fred illustrated a common behavior for people, not just dogs: running from anxiety.  

Running from something is not a good way to make decisions and often brings negative results.  A dog who runs away may get hit by a car or lost; a person who runs from his/her anxiety usually makes poor choices and creates more problems.

The impulse to run comes from the primal fight-or-flight instinct.  Giving yourself a positive release, such as exercise, dance, martial arts, singing, etc. can quell that urge to "do" something and enable you to stay present with your anxiety until you can find a healthy and positive solution.  Constructive distraction techniques can also be effective at taking your focus off the anxiety and feelings of powerlessness.  While it may be more uncomfortable initially, staying with your anxiety rather than running from it (making impulsive decisions) is much more likely to yield a  positive outcome and lasting peace.

Ommm....part 2

I've been practicing  yoga for more than half my life.  The standing, balancing poses are a constant struggle for me.  On the very rare occasions that I make it through the class without falling over I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment, but most of the time I fall out of them almost instantly. That portion of the class is very stressful for me as I repeatedly fall over again and again.

A few weeks ago the instructor said something that shifted the entire experience and made so much sense, not just for yoga, but for life...as often happens in yoga class.  She said to the class "You're supposed to fall over in the standing poses.  That's how you know you're growing.  If you don't fall, you're not growing, just staying the same."  Well, that changed everything!  I was amazed at how simple and how right that is.

Since that class I've been applying this concept to life in general: we're supposed to "fall over" in life - in other words, we're supposed to make mistakes, fall short, mess-up; that's the human experience, it's where we grow.  And yes, it feels awful in the moment: we are embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated, ashamed, but this is the work of life.  If we never "fell" we wouldn't have an opportunity to grow.  Growing is the reason we go to yoga, so we are stronger and better when we leave than when we entered class.  In life, the falling over is what helps us get stronger, better, wiser.  It gives us the opportunity to refine ourselves and become better people.

The buddhists talk about it in this way:  they say life is like riding a wild horse, we spend the first half of our lives trying to just keep our seat on that horse.  Eventually, when we've mastered that, we begin to look forward to losing our seat so we can practice getting back on it.  At some point, we embrace our imperfect human nature and enjoy the process of learning and growing that comes from our mistakes.

In thinking about your own life, can you be gentler with yourself and more loving towards your own  places of "falling over" - when you hurt someone, lose your patience or your temper, make a mistake, act thoughtlessly - can you embrace these as opportunities to learn and grow, becoming an even better version of yourself?  Can you do the same for those around you?

Ouch, That Hurts!

One of my clients shared this story with me recently and I found it enlightening and relevant for almost everyone:

A farmer is sitting on his porch in a chair, hanging out with his dog.

A friend walks up to the porch to say hello and hears an awful yelping, squealing sound coming from the dog.

“What’s the matter with Ol’ Blue?” asks the friend.

“He’s layin’ on a nail that’s pokin’ up from the floorboards,” says the farmer.

“Why doesn’t he just sit up and get off it?” asks the friend.

The farmer deliberates on this and replies: “Don’t hurt enough yet.”

I’ve told this story to several clients and they all had the same reaction -- they paused for a brief second and then they laughed. The dilemma illustrated is a very real, human one that we've all found ourselves in at some point. We can relate to the dog and laugh at ourselves. It seems silly and obvious to the friend that the dog should get up off the nail, but it is equally obvious to the farmer that the pain has to be "bad enough" before the dog is willing to make the effort of getting up and facing his fear of change.

Ask yourself if you are “laying on a nail”. Are you tolerating a situation that is causing discomfort -- perhaps a relationship or a commitment, a job or a work situation, a habit or a pattern of how you relate to others. If so, ask yourself why you’re willing to accept the discomfort rather than face change -- what is holding you back and how much more would the situation have to hurt before you’d be willing to “get off the nail”?

ommmm........

Here's why I love yoga: It's not for the health benefits, although there are many; it's because yoga always reminds its practitioners that where you are is exactly where you're supposed to be.

Yesterday I was in my yoga class and the instructor told us to move through the posture until we couldn't move any further, in other words until we got stuck. Then he said, "Where you're stuck is exactly where you're supposed to be." I've heard this many times in yoga; this time it struck me a little differently.

We all get stuck, not just in yoga but in life. There are issues we keep having over and over - with our loved ones, with our work, with ourselves. In yoga we are taught to stay in the stuck place, breathe and trust. Sometimes we need to wait for our bodies to stretch, relax and become ready to move further. Sometimes we need to wait for our awareness to change and reach that "ah ha!" moment (e.g., My foot is supposed to go this way, not that way!) Sometimes we need an instructor to gently show us how to move out of the stuck place. No matter which situation, it always takes patience and gentleness with ourselves. When we finally become un-stuck, we are stronger, wiser and have learned something invaluable about our bodies, our will and our inner-strength. 

We can apply all of these principles to life. Think about an aspect of your life where you keep getting stuck: a relationship that returns to the same conflict over and over, a habit you can't break, something that scares you, etc. Perhaps you are stuck because it's exactly where you're supposed to be. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe anyone should suffer or stop striving for happiness. What I am suggesting is that there may be a reason you are stuck. There may be an opportunity for you to grow in some way that you haven't been able to attain yet. Just like in yoga relax, breathe, cultivate gentleness towards yourself and embrace the opportunity to grow.

Coping With The School Shooting

Last week's school shooting has left most of us shaken to our cores. In my personal life as well as in my practice I see people deeply affected and unable to put to words exactly what they're feeling.

This is normal.  What happened was not just an unspeakable horror to those who were directly involved, it has traumatized each of us.  

It is a deep human instinct to protect children.  Not just our own children, all children.  Even in times of war, it is expected (although not always followed, tragically) that children will be spared.  

When someone intentionally walks into an elementary school and slaughters young children, we are disturbed at a primal level. It feels un-human and defys our most basic comprehension: children are beautiful, innocent, cherished beings; our job is to protect them, celebrate them, raise them.  We are left struggling to make sense of this type of horror and truthfully, we can't.  

It is normal to have a trauma reaction to this type of violence: feelings of deep despair, a general anxiety or unease, hopelessness, fear and a lack of security in the world in general.  These feelings can vary from mild to extreme.  If you or someone you know is having these feelings, know that they are  normal.  Provide support and as much consistency, routine and comfort as you can. Give yourself permission to avoid listening to the news, it can re-traumatize you.  Doing so doesn't mean you don't care about what happened; in fact it may be that you care deeply and need some distance to regain a sense of comfort.

One very important tool you can use to restore your sense of safety is to focus not on the horror and the details of the person who committed the crime, but rather focus on the goodness that is being brought out in people.  There is unspeakable evil in the world, and there is also great love, support, compassion and caring.  When you are feeling overwhelmed and traumatized by events such as these, focusing on the goodness can be comforting.

  

Do You See What I See?

Happiness vs. misery; good fortune vs. bad; the deciding factor in all of these is the perspective you choose to take.  Yes, I said "choose". 

Most people feel they don't have a choice, life is either good or bad, they are lucky or unlucky; but that is not fully correct.  The truth is we all decide which side we fall on by the way we decide to see things.  This past summer there was an incredible example of this.  Those of you who watched the women's olympic gymnastics competition know what I'm referring to.

The anticipation waiting for the final scores in the all-around finals was palpable; the entire stadium, and probably everyone watching at home were at the edge of their seats.  Two women were waiting to see who won the gold: American Gabby Douglas or Russian Viktoria Komova; at the same time two women were waiting to see who won the bronze: Russian Aliya Mustafina or American Aly Raisman.  Four women, three medals, clearly someone was going home empty-handed.

Gabby took the gold leaving Viktoria sobbing uncontrolably at getting "only" the silver.  At first it was heartbreaking to watch.  But then something fascinating happened right next to them: Aliya and Aly held their breaths each waiting to see who would be the lucky one to get the bronze.  Aliya was declared the winner and it was clear that she felt elated while her teammate Viktoria was devasted at getting the silver. The bronze winner was happier than the silver, how was this possible?

This was a clear example of perspective determining happiness.  The young woman who ranked second in the world felt like a loser, but the woman who won the bronze felt like the biggest winner.  Researchers (Victoria Medven, Scott Madey and Thomas Gilovich, 1992) have found that bronze medalists tend to be happier than silver. The reason seems to be that silver medalists are haunted with "I came so close" and "if only I had..." thoughts, while bronze medalists are thrilled that they at least got a medal.
 
We cannot control many of the events that life brings to us, but how we perceive those events will determine how happy (or unhappy) we will be.  The next time you find yourself feeling upset or that the world is unfair ask yourself if you can see the glass as half-full instead of half-empty.  It may not change the circumstances in your life but it will probably make you happier along the way.