Trust is defined as:
"Something important to me is safe with you"
- Brene Brown, researcher and scholar
"Something important to me is safe with you"
- Brene Brown, researcher and scholar
Trust doesn't happen by accident. So how do we create trust?
It starts by recognizing what is important to the other person, NOT what you think is/should be important to them.This recognition needs to occur repeatedly and consistently, in large ways, but also in small ways: "Trust is built in the smallest of moments"-John Gottman (https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/).
Defending a friend or being there in a crisis are important, but so are the smaller things like noticing when someone is upset and taking the time to ask them about it, remembering and recognizing important accomplishments or just knowing the way they like their coffee, etc.
Another important part of trust-building is asking for help. Some people are great at helping everyone; that's not enough. Asking for help is critical because it demonstrates a willingness to be vulnerable, a belief in the other person and it shows that you don't judge people for having needs.
Brown describes 7 components to building trust:
1) Boundaries: Be clear about your boundaries and mine, and respect them. Always.
2) Reliability: Do what you say you're going to do - over and over and over.
It's important to be clear about your own limitations so you don't overextend yourself and make commitments you can't keep (ex: "sure, I'll help you move", or "let's do lunch"). While these casual commitments seem harmless, when they're insincere they erode trust.
3) Accountability: Accept responsibility when you hurt someone, (intentionally or accidentally), apologize and do whatever is necessary to make things right. Equally important is allowing others to apologize, take responsibility for their errors and make things right; in other words - do not hold a grudge.
4) The Vault: What you share with me I will keep in confidence. ALSO - I will not tell you information about other people, in other words - no gossiping. When we break the vault by sharing other peoples' confidential information, our friends know we may do it to them too.
5) Integrity: Choosing courage over comfort, over what is fun, fast or easy; practicing your values.
6) Non-Judgement: I can be struggling with something and not be judged by you; and I offer the same to you.
7) Generosity: If someone hurts or offends you, do not assume they did it intentionally. Assume the most generous thing about the other person's intentions and give them the benefit of the doubt.
If you would like your relationships (both personal and professional) to be as healthy and fulfilling as possible, consider these factors and explore how well you follow them. Likewise, allow yourself distance from others who don't consistently demonstrate trustworthy behaviors towards you.
