Sometimes we may not even realize we're grieving. Frequently I see a look of shock and then recognition pass across a patient's face when I say to them "you're grieving". They had never thought of their feelings in that way. One of the hardest types of grief is "invisible grief" - grief that is not obvious to the world around us, or even ourselves at times. We may feel invisible grief about children getting older, friendships ending or changing, losing contact with a family member, divorce, shifting relationships within a marriage, facing an illness or disability within ourselves or a loved one, giving up a goal or dream, even graduating or getting promoted - any ending or loss that is not visible to the rest of the world.
Grief comes in 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness/Depression and eventually Acceptance (Elisabeth Kubler Ross).
When we have visible losses, our communities often come forward to ease the pain and help us feel cared for. With invisible grief, we don't get this type of support or acknowledgment and it can make us feel confused, lost, misunderstood, etc.
Isolation is very common and can compound our grief and emotional distress.
If you are experiencing invisible grief:
- give yourself validation that your loss is real and you are doing the very hard work of coming to peace with it
- Be gentle with yourself and seek support where you can.
- Create a brief statement that might help others understand what you're experiencing and what you need from them, such as: "I'm going through a difficult time with something important that has changed in my life. The best way you could be there for me would be to understand that I might need some space and/or support while I go through this. If it's ok with you, I'd like to let you know what I need as I work through this".
