Coping With The School Shooting

Last week's school shooting has left most of us shaken to our cores. In my personal life as well as in my practice I see people deeply affected and unable to put to words exactly what they're feeling.

This is normal.  What happened was not just an unspeakable horror to those who were directly involved, it has traumatized each of us.  

It is a deep human instinct to protect children.  Not just our own children, all children.  Even in times of war, it is expected (although not always followed, tragically) that children will be spared.  

When someone intentionally walks into an elementary school and slaughters young children, we are disturbed at a primal level. It feels un-human and defys our most basic comprehension: children are beautiful, innocent, cherished beings; our job is to protect them, celebrate them, raise them.  We are left struggling to make sense of this type of horror and truthfully, we can't.  

It is normal to have a trauma reaction to this type of violence: feelings of deep despair, a general anxiety or unease, hopelessness, fear and a lack of security in the world in general.  These feelings can vary from mild to extreme.  If you or someone you know is having these feelings, know that they are  normal.  Provide support and as much consistency, routine and comfort as you can. Give yourself permission to avoid listening to the news, it can re-traumatize you.  Doing so doesn't mean you don't care about what happened; in fact it may be that you care deeply and need some distance to regain a sense of comfort.

One very important tool you can use to restore your sense of safety is to focus not on the horror and the details of the person who committed the crime, but rather focus on the goodness that is being brought out in people.  There is unspeakable evil in the world, and there is also great love, support, compassion and caring.  When you are feeling overwhelmed and traumatized by events such as these, focusing on the goodness can be comforting.

  

Do You See What I See?

Happiness vs. misery; good fortune vs. bad; the deciding factor in all of these is the perspective you choose to take.  Yes, I said "choose". 

Most people feel they don't have a choice, life is either good or bad, they are lucky or unlucky; but that is not fully correct.  The truth is we all decide which side we fall on by the way we decide to see things.  This past summer there was an incredible example of this.  Those of you who watched the women's olympic gymnastics competition know what I'm referring to.

The anticipation waiting for the final scores in the all-around finals was palpable; the entire stadium, and probably everyone watching at home were at the edge of their seats.  Two women were waiting to see who won the gold: American Gabby Douglas or Russian Viktoria Komova; at the same time two women were waiting to see who won the bronze: Russian Aliya Mustafina or American Aly Raisman.  Four women, three medals, clearly someone was going home empty-handed.

Gabby took the gold leaving Viktoria sobbing uncontrolably at getting "only" the silver.  At first it was heartbreaking to watch.  But then something fascinating happened right next to them: Aliya and Aly held their breaths each waiting to see who would be the lucky one to get the bronze.  Aliya was declared the winner and it was clear that she felt elated while her teammate Viktoria was devasted at getting the silver. The bronze winner was happier than the silver, how was this possible?

This was a clear example of perspective determining happiness.  The young woman who ranked second in the world felt like a loser, but the woman who won the bronze felt like the biggest winner.  Researchers (Victoria Medven, Scott Madey and Thomas Gilovich, 1992) have found that bronze medalists tend to be happier than silver. The reason seems to be that silver medalists are haunted with "I came so close" and "if only I had..." thoughts, while bronze medalists are thrilled that they at least got a medal.
 
We cannot control many of the events that life brings to us, but how we perceive those events will determine how happy (or unhappy) we will be.  The next time you find yourself feeling upset or that the world is unfair ask yourself if you can see the glass as half-full instead of half-empty.  It may not change the circumstances in your life but it will probably make you happier along the way.

Cat Got Your Tongue?

There is one thing that causes pain and leads to unhappiness for almost everybody.  I see it repeatedly in my practice, regardless of the age, gender, lifestyle or issues the patient is facing.  It seems really easy to fix.  In fact, when I tell you what it is my guess is you will think "that's it??"; but like most issues, it's not so easy when it's you.

The one thing that causes universal pain, angst, unease, sleepless nights, irritibility, health problem and many more troubles is Holding In Your Feelings.  Repeatedly I see people feeling stuck and suffering with confusion, anger, sadness and grief over unspoken feelings.  Someone did something to them and, for one reason or another, they did not express their feelings at the time.  They held the feelings in, but.....the feelings did not go away!

We've all been there and I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  Perhaps you've laid awake at night replaying the scene and imagined yourself saying what you didn't say the first time around; maybe you rehearse what you really want to say, what you WISH you had said when it happened; maybe each time you are about to see the person you tell yourself "THIS time I am going to say something!", and yet you don't. Something stops you.

It's fine to keep things to yourself; however, it's not healthy to stay emotionally stuck.  There are many ways to help you move forward and get un-stuck.  It's not always necessary (and sometimes it's not a good idea) to actually tell the person what you're feeling.   Sometimes it's helpful to write a letter to the person without sending it to them.  This can release some of the feelings and allow you to let go.  Sometimes you may decide to take a deep breath and just tell the person what you've been holding in all this time.  There are times when we need help to let go.  A trusted friend or mentor can give some perspective.  When you're really stuck, a trained professional can use many different strategies to help you find what you need to move forward.  

Who's Better Than You?

I recently heard a quote from Formula One race car driver Lewis Hamilton that I love: "The only person I have to be better than today is the person I was yesterday".
There's a lot of wisdom in this.  Think about how your life would be different if you applied this to yourself.

Often we spend a lot of time and energy comparing ourselves to others: am I (or are my children) as rich, popular, happy, thin, successful, smart, etc.. as _____?  There are always people who will have more of what you want.  Living this way will lead to a life of frustration always chasing an elusive dream.  Instead of measuring yourself against someone else, measure yourself against how you were yesterday, last week or last year.

Sometimes we have a hard time feeling good about ourselves.  We can't let go of old feelings we have about our inadequacies.  These type of judgements often have old roots in our past, perhaps coming from our childhood or from a relationship with someone who had a lot of influence over us.

If it's difficult for you to feel positively about yourself think about seeking help from a therapist.  Professional support and guidance can help you see yourself differently and enable you to let go of old beliefs that don't serve you.

Ancient Myths

Myths are fictional stories that we choose to believe are true. Most likely, you have a slew of myths you live by without even realizing it. You might tell yourself things like: "I can't count on anyone", "There's nothing I can do to change things", "No one cares", "If I ask for help, people will let me down", "Bad things always happen to me", "I have to be perfect", "Anger is unacceptable", "I'm too needy", etc, etc... you get the idea. These are myths about fear, limitation and impossibilities.

You may have learned these myths yourself or someone may have taught them to you. However they came to be, you may want to ask yourself why you hold onto these stories. More importantly, you may want to ask yourself if you are ready to let go of these old stories and learn a new way of being in the world.

People like what is famillar. Letting go of old beliefs can be scary. People were scared the first time they heard the world was not flat. They resisted the truth and wanted to hold on to their old way of thinking, even if it was wrong. This is human nature. It's ok to feel scared about change, even positive change. Support can help you understand why you hold on to old ways of thinking and how to move forward into a happier, more fulfilling way to live.

Secret Habits

Chances are you have some habits you don't realize are habits, most of us do.
You may be thinking about habits like nail biting, smoking, eating or drinking certain foods, but did you know that thoughts, beliefs and emotions can become habits too?
Is there something you tell yourself often, maybe without even noticing: "I don't deserve that", "I'm not smart enough for that", "I can't do that", "Bad things are going to happen"? You may even have a belief or expectation that has become habituated without realizing, such as worrying, feeling hopeless, feeling alone, scared or expecting the worst. You probably learned to feel these things in response to a pattern of events in your life, but that doesn't mean that you have to hold on to them anymore.
You can learn to change what you expect, believe and feel. You can learn how to feel safe, happy and positive. The first step is to recognize these patterns of thoughts and beliefs. Next you need to ask yourself if you're ready to let go of them. It can be scary to change our patterns, even if the change is positive. If you are ready, seeking support can help you create new patterns that are more fulfilling.

Are You Listening?

Your body is talking to you, but are you listening?
Most of us spend most of the time thinking...and thinking and thinking, but often ignoring what our bodies are saying to us. We "live" up in our heads worrying about work, bills, relationships, anxieties about the future, re-playing the past. In doing so, we pay very little attention to our bodies and we miss out on a lot of important information.

Your body is talking to you all the time and your body never lies. We convince ourselves of stories we want to believe ("I don't mind", "It will get better", "It's not my fault", "I can't tell him/her how I feel") and we may do a really good job of that; but your body won't let you get away with it. If you stop and pay attention to what you're feeling physically you will notice that your body is sending you messages:
Are there certain people or situations which always seem to give you a headache, or a stomach ache?
Are there others that always bring a smile to your face, give you energy and maybe even take away a headache?
Is your body waking you up during the night trying to tell you something?

Try a little experiment with me right now.
Without changing anything in your posture or body, take a quick inventory and notice any spots of tension. Is your jaw clenched? Is your chest tight? How is your breathing? Is it smooth and deep, or is it shallow? How is your gut? Is it relaxed or does it burn or hurt? Is your leg bouncing, or are your fingers tapping?
Without any judgement, check in with any of these parts of yourself and imagine it is able to speak to you...what is it saying?

There are many reasons why we don't listen to our bodies. Maybe we were never taught to listen; or perhaps we don't want to listen...we may be afraid of what we will learn. But ignorance is rarely a comforting place. I encourage you to learn to listen to your body as it can be a valuable road towards greater peace and happiness.

Here are some ways to learn this skill:
Therapy with a clinician skilled in this type of work,
Yoga, Tai Chi, or any sort of body-mind oriented activity or exercise
Meditation
Massage, accupuncture, chiropractic

What Are You So Afraid Of?

When was the last time you were scared?

There are some fear-driven behaviors we barely notice and do every day such as buckling our seat belts, paying our bills, showing up to work, following the rules of the road. We do these things at least partly to avoid getting hurt or getting in trouble.

But what about the other stuff, the stuff that really scares you like telling your significant other that he/she hurt you, telling a family member that you don't like the way they treat you, asking for a raise, telling someone you really like them, asking for help? How often is there something you feel strongly about but don't give yourself permission to act upon because you're scared?

Fear influences a large amount of our behaviors, more often that we realize. We usually feel fear and stop, which is an old survival instinct; but rarely do we think through what we are really afraid of and what the worst is that could happen. What would happen if you told your significant other that you really wish they would listen more to you or hold you more often, asked for a raise, tried a new class or told someone that you like them? Sometimes the risk is bad and it's very smart to avoid it; but perhaps there are fears that stop you from living a fuller life.

Try something new this week: pick one thing you really want but are afraid to ask for. Ask yourself what the worst thing is that could happen and then decide if it's worth taking a chance.